Punch Lines

Food Service Bulletin: The USDA has OK’d a rule to allow school cafeterias to use yogurt as a substitute for meat. “Republican opponents insist that it’s no substitute for a good vegetable such as catsup,” says Bob Mills.

* “In other news, the president of Yoplait really enjoyed his recent stay at the White House.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “Kids are thrilled. Yogurt squirts through a straw much better than meat.” (Jerry Perisho)

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Bullets Over Hollywood: The bank robbery shootout is still the talk of L.A., says Jay Leno. “That’s every L.A. driver’s worst nightmare. You’re driving along, you turn a corner and there’s a big shootout going on right in front of you. And you realize you used all your ammo on the freeway.”

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New in Show Biz: “In Jean-Claude Van Damme’s next film, he plays a designer jeans rep who unravels a world terrorist conspiracy. His movies are so realistic, it’s eerie,” says Alex Kaseberg. “After that, he will portray a choreographer who destroys the Russian mafia.”

“John Tesh was on PBS last night, a big fund-raising concert. He had a goatee. Didn’t work though. People still knew it was him.” (Leno)

The new Pauly Shore show, called “wretched” by one critic, premiered on Fox on Monday night. Says Perisho, “The new TV rating system gave it a unique rating: TV-YECH.”

* “How dumb was it? Civil rights groups have stopped complaining about the portrayal of African Americans in sitcoms.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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In the News: UC Davis researchers have discovered a gene that controls obesity. “It is located next to the ‘I’ll have seconds’ gene.” (Jeff Tipton)

* “It’s the one that loiters in the stomach intercepting French fries,” says Stan Kaplan.

O.J. Simpson continues to deny that he purchased a $2.2-million waterfront home in Florida. Says the Funny Scheet, “He told reporters the story was false and that he will not rest until he finds the real buyers.”

A Freedom Forum media study found that only 50% of people trust what the media tell them. “The good news is that the figure rises to 70% when you exclude weather forecasts.” (Daily Scoop)

* “Only 14% trust the accuracy of radio talk show hosts. The rest were too busy trying to get through to Dr. Laura to take the survey.” (Daily Scoop)

Police confiscated 220 pounds of cocaine from a Bronx auto body shop. “In addition to cocaine’s other features, it does a great job of absorbing those oil spots on your driveway,” says Perisho.

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Reader Chuck Murdoch of La Crescenta wrote his 8-year-old granddaughter, Janelle, to tell her about her German heritage. After she read the letter, she said:

“I don’t want to know if I have German blood. I want to know if I have German relatives.”