LAUGH LINES : Punch Lines

The Small Screen: “Famed Japanese director Akira Kurosawa has made his first TV commercial--for a yogurt drink,” says Paul Steinberg. “It’s pretty impressive. It shows reactions to the drink from 10 different perspectives and lasts 3 1/2 hours.”

“The Wonderful World of Disney” returns to Sunday night TV this fall hosted by Disney Chairman Michael Eisner. “He makes $250 million a year, but that is not enough,” observes Argus Hamilton. “He wants to put an announcer out of work.”

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New in D.C.: “Following Anthony Lake’s withdrawal from consideration as CIA chief, President Clinton is looking into the possibility of disbanding the spy agency and simply hiring the National Enquirer,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop.

The Supreme Court is hearing arguments about a new law that restricts indecent materials on the Internet. “Justice Clarence Thomas has kindly volunteered to do the research,” says Alex Kaseberg.

The Treasury Department has complained that the Internal Revenue Service is poorly managed, often loses documents and that many employees don’t know what they’re doing. “That’s good, isn’t it?” says Jay Leno. “Who wants an IRS that knows what it’s doing? I say to the Treasury Department, ‘Mind your own business, will ya?’ They’re doing fine.”

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West Coast: A 5.4 aftershock from the ’92 Landers earthquake shook up desert areas. “It’s what people in Southern California like to call earthquake weather,” says the Daily Scoop. “Not to be confused with fire weather or urban riot weather or drive-by shooting weather.”

* “When these quakes hit, everybody is told to do two things. Get under the nearest door, and make sure the door is in Cleveland.” (Hamilton)

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Egoland: John Tesh claims critical jibes to his music mean nothing because his last album sold 800,000 copies. “Get over yourself, John,” says Kaseberg. “One of the most popular prints is ‘Dogs Playing Poker.’ ”

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In the Kitchen: On Tuesday the Pillsbury Doughboy was 36 years old. “Sad story, too,” says Leno. “Right after he was born, both his parents were run over by a rolling pin.”

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Reader Cleone Hoffman of Manhattan Beach was speaking to her son, Tony, 5, about some undesirable behavior that had occurred that day. “I was speaking very earnestly and firmly to him, and he stared at me with great concentration and attention,” she says. When she asked if he understood what she had told him, Tony said:

“Oh yes. Mom, did you know those lines on your forehead spell ‘P-J?’ ”