Punch Lines

Oscarmania: Tonight is the movie industry’s big night. “Since this year’s Academy Awards field includes many smaller-budget independent filmmakers, there is a dress code,” says Jenny Church. “No shirt. No shoes. No Oscar.”

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In Other Movie News: “ ‘Crash’ has opened. It’s about people who are aroused by car crashes,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “That is taking autoeroticism a little too literally.”

* How do you identify such a person? “They light a cigarette after rubbernecking.” (Scoop)

* “Protesters say the menage a trois scene between the two leads and a personal injury lawyer is too explicit.” (Brian J. Hill)

* “Already one watchdog group has petitioned the Highway Patrol to declare the Ventura Freeway unsuitable for children under 12.” (Bob Mills)

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News From All Over: “President Clinton’s knee injury has stirred sympathy across the world,” says Craig Kilborn. “He has told schoolchildren they can join President Bill’s Get Well Club by sending a homemade card and $50 to the Democratic National Committee.”

A Russian official said that NATO’s plans to offer membership to former Soviet satellite nations would be “the West’s biggest mistake since the end of the Cold War,” says Steve Voldseth. “Assuming, of course, you overlook EuroDisney.”

The first days of spring in L.A. brought temperatures in the ‘90s, “which begs the question, how do you know it is spring in L.A.?” says Alex Pearlstein. “Answer: Everyone switches from SPF15 to SPF30.”

The American Medical Assn. has released guidelines for doctors concerning medical uses for marijuana. “They must find a legitimate medical reason for prescribing pot,” says the Daily Scoop. “Saying ‘I miss Jerry’ doesn’t cut it.”

The Liggett Group has admitted cigarettes are addictive and cause cancer. “Asked for comment, the other tobacco companies denied the existence of the Liggett Group.” (Daily Scoop)

* In a related story, says Jeff Tipton, “Alcohol producers still deny that drinking makes you drunk.”

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New in Sports: Exhibition baseball continues. “The veteran player knows not to overexert himself in these games,” says Alan Ray. “He will wait until the real season to give it his full 50%.”

Free-spirited NFL quarterback Jim McMahon announced his retirement from football, ending his career in Green Bay. “In a separate announcement, the Apostles of the Mystic Moon canceled their Packers’ season tickets.” (Jerry Perisho)

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Reader Cal Minton says his daughter, Julie Waller, was helping her 3-year-old daughter, Hailey, learn to dress herself. “You have your shoes on the wrong feet,” she told Hailey.

“These are the only feet I have,” Hailey replied.