Punch Lines

Our National Pastime: “It’s that time of the year when you go to the ballpark and feel the excitement, see the green grass, smell the peanuts and hear the parking lot attendant say, ‘$8, please.’ ” (Paul Ecker)

* “Pepsi signed a deal to be the only official drink of major league baseball,” says Argus Hamilton. “This has some members of the New York Yankees confused. How in the world do you snort Pepsi?”

* The New Jersey Nets’ idea of using fake crowd noise is spreading. “To add to the ambience in Los Angeles, the Dodgers have hired extras to leave the games early.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “There will be mass confusion this week at Shea Stadium, home of the Mets, when umpires shout out, ‘Play ball.’ ” (Ecker)

* Secretary of State Madeleine Albright will throw out the first ball on opening day. “She will formally launch the season for America’s sport by tossing a ball made of Cuban horsehide stitched together in a Taiwanese sweatshop by fourth-graders recruited in the Philippines,” says Bob Mills.

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Elsewhere on the Sweatshop Scene: Nike is accused of underpaying and abusing Vietnamese factory workers. “Don’t expect any changes soon,” says Mills. “Nike has hired Robert McNamara to get the company out of Vietnam.”

* Nike is accused of paying teens 20 cents an hour. “The company fears international backlash,” says Alan Ray. “They’re afraid workers in other countries will now demand these inflated wages.”

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In Other Business News: “With new evidence that R.J. Reynolds’ Joe Camel campaign targets children, the tobacco company finally agreed to withdraw the campaign and introduced its new Barney Menthol 100s.” (Wolfe and Feinberg)

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Money Matters: Former President Bush says he never solicited donations while in the White House. Says Bill Williams, “After seeing Dan Quayle’s letter that said, ‘Send us the monee,’ he had to give up on the idea.”

The Treasury misprinted $4.6 million in new $100 bills. “During the confusion of campaign fund-raising, President Clinton had accidentally ordered them printed in Mandarin.” (Mills)

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Cirque du O.J.: Sheriff’s deputies seized possessions from O.J. Simpson’s Brentwood mansion. “They took his golf clubs,” says the Scoop. “Now the mystery will never be solved.”

* “Deputies hauled away paintings, helmets, trophies and an unusually sharp letter opener.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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Reader Leon Butler of Laguna Hills keeps up with his 9-year-old granddaughter Llana’s baseball games by telephone. When he called after one game to ask her how she did, she said:

“I hit a double, but it was a foul ball.”