Punch Lines

The Sporting Life: The Chicago Cubs, now 0-12, have found a unique way to honor Jackie Robinson on the retirement of his number. “They’ve decided to lose the first 42 games of the season,” says Jerry Perisho.

“Did you see Tiger Woods’ drive on the 18th hole at the Masters?” asks Argus Hamilton. “The only way he could have hit it any farther would have been if a Cubs pitcher pitched it to him.”

* “Another big victory for Tiger Woods today,” says Jay Leno. “While changing planes in Chicago, he beat the Cubs 1-0.”

* “If they don’t win soon, management is thinking of sewing new numbers on team uniforms--911.” (Earl Hochman)

The NHL’s Stanley Cup playoffs began this week. “Detroit is warning fans not to throw octopuses onto the ice,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “New York is warning fans not to throw other New Yorkers onto the ice.”

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Our Government: The U.S. Army will allow Native American soldiers to use peyote as part of their religious ceremonies. Says Jim Shaughnessy, “People are having sex all over the place in the Army, now they’re doing drugs, they got that bad bugle corps music. They’re not out defending our country. They’re picking up where the Grateful Dead left off.”

Newt Gingrich will borrow the $300,000 to pay his fine from Bob Dole. “The only thing he has big enough to offer for collateral is his ego.” (Stan Kaplan)

The FBI crime lab may have bungled the Unabomber investigation. “Turns out the most efficient investigator in the case was Ted Kazcynski’s brother.” (Daily Scoop)

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New in Fitness: A Connecticut researcher claims to have created a pill that burns calories without a drop of sweat. “It tricks your body into thinking it is exercising,” explains the Funny Firm. “Basically, this is not new. Watching exercise shows on TV has the same effect.”

* “Little pill . . . big weight machine. Easy to see why I’d let myself be tricked.” (Scoop)

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Scary Entertainers: Most of the former “Full House” cast will return for a special taped reunion. “For those of you keeping track, this is sign No. 2 that the end is near.” (Funny Firm)

A concert promoter in Australia has filed a $250,000 lawsuit against Michael Bolton for backing out on a show there. “Concert promoters here in the U.S. say this must be some sort of ingenious reverse psychology.” (Shaughnessy)

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Reader Vi Auerbach says her nephew, Jim, was visiting California with his family for a vacation. On the third morning, Jim enthusiastically told the three children what they would be doing that day--the Queen Mary, whale watching, Knotts Berry Farm. Seven-year-old Brett pondered a moment, then asked his dad:

“Well, when are we going home?”