Punch Lines

Springtime in L.A.: “Firefighters say they are opening fire season here in L.A. a month early because of the dry weather,” says Jay Leno. “You know what that means. Now mudslide and earthquake seasons will move up, too.”

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This Week in Washington: President Clinton touted the military as a model of child care and urged them to tell civilians how they do it. “Well, the first thing you do is, get more than a quarter of a billion dollars in federal subsidies,” says Paul Steinberg.

“The president is lobbying hard for a treaty on chemical weapons,” says Jenny Church, “but opponents fear a chemical ban would limit how much orange goo they can squirt on their nachos.”

* “Jesse Helms is against it. And the chemicals covered by the treaty aren’t even in tobacco,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop.

The Supreme Court let stand a ruling that says the gender makeup of college sports teams must match the male-female makeup of the student body. But then: “Who will be left to tutor the male athletes?” (Bob Mills)

The National Transportation Safety Board is expected to approve a plan allowing motorists to shut off their air bags. “Manufacturers have already nicknamed the new device the ‘Limbaugh Switch,’ ” says Mills.

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Family Life: A 63-year-old woman gave birth to a girl. “Wow, that should put a scare into the Medicare system.” (Will Couzin)

* “AARP magazine now has a special section for birth announcements,” says Mills.

Thursday was Take Our Daughters to Work Day. “And Kathie Lee Gifford was hiring.” (Daily Scoop)

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Hollywood Moments: CBS aired “The Dukes of Hazzard: Reunion!” “They tried to update the show for the ‘90s,” says Alex Pearlstein. “Bo and Luke flee some Feds who are after their Whitewater documents.”

Thursday was actress Shirley MacLaine’s 63rd birthday. “Of course that is 792 in transcendental, reincarnated years,” says Jerry Perisho.

“Titanic” is approaching a cost of $200 million to become the most expensive film ever made. “Only about half of the Paramount and 20th Century Fox executives in charge of production will survive,” says Mills.

“New Hollywood movie coming out,” says Leno. “It’s gonna have the cast from ‘Liar Liar’ with the dinosaurs from ‘Jurassic Park’ and the aliens from ‘Independence Day.’ It’s gonna be called, ‘We Want All Your Money.’ ”

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Reader Judith Hane Leimert observed her daughter-in-law, Terry, comforting Leimert’s 4-year-old granddaughter, Taylor, who was complaining of a stomachache. Aunt Terry told Taylor she probably had a bug. Taylor replied indignantly:

“I don’t like bugs, I don’t eat bugs, and I don’t have any in my pockets.”