His Motto: Have Gun, Will Travel

“Emmitt Smith was the only Cowboy who missed Saturday’s practice. The veteran running back chipped a tooth Friday and had a dental appointment Saturday in Valley Ranch.

“[Coach Barry] Switzer said Smith cracked a tooth while eating at the school cafeteria.”

--From an Austin (Texas) newspaper

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Possible reason No. 1 why Dallas Cowboy Coach Barry Switzer was packing a gun:

Shoot up the cafeteria.

“Y’all done hurt Emmitt with yer Sloppy Joes and yer Fritos and yer Twinkies, and now you’re gonna pay.”

Six-Gun Switzer got hauled off to an airport hoosegow Monday while on his way to Austin, where the Cowboys hold their training camp at a school called St. Edward’s.

If only their camp were still at Cal Lutheran, where it used to be, I could drive up there today just to ask Dirty Barry: “Why the gun, son?”

I mean, I have heard of shotgun formations, but this is ridiculous.

Barry the Kid and his loaded .38 got busted Monday at the Dallas-Fort Worth airport, which hasn’t seen such a desperado since Dennis Rodman worked as a janitor there and stole 50 wristwatches out of a gift shop.

“I didn’t know they had hidden cameras in that damn gift shop,” Rodman wrote in his autobiography.

“They arrested me and put me in the airport jail. My mother decided to let me stay in there for a night, to teach me a lesson.”

Mean airport, that DFW.

Anyhow, as soon as Butch Switzer, coach of the hole-in-the-wall gang, put his carry-on baggage on the conveyor belt, authorities walked off 15 yards and penalized him for holding.

Maybe he didn’t know they had hidden cameras inside that damn X-ray machine.

I can think of several reasons why a Dallas Cowboy coach would carry a gun.

1. The Washington Redskins.

2. You never know when your whistle might not work, leaving you unable to get the players’ attention at practice, or to signal the end of the first half of play.

3. Meddling media.

4. Long-running “feud” between Jerry Jones and Jimmy Johnson has really gotten out of hand, and the Cowboy owner requires 24-hour protection.

5. Actually a cigarette lighter.

6. Tom Landry had one, but nobody ever looked under that hat.

7. Birthday gift from Michael Irvin.

8. No fun anymore, merely to “cut” players from camp.

9. $100 bounty offered for every cheesehead shot off a Green Bay fan’s head.

10. The Cowboys are offering free tickets to the first 50 team members who turn in weapons.

This being Texas, anyone over the age of 10 owns a handgun. (Except, of course, for the Texans who own two.)

Pecos Barry told the law he had forgotten about his gun being inside his travel bag.

Yes, I know how he feels. That’s where I put mine. Nail clippers, razor, shaving cream, toothbrush, .38 revolver, dental floss . . . sometimes I forget to pack and unpack from trip to trip.

I also know that on Sunday night, the Cowboys were playing the Oakland Raiders in an NFL exhibition game. This explains a lot.

What if all 11 Raider players on the field drew their guns, and the Cowboys got caught empty-handed. Do you know how embarrassing that would be?

In Texas, carrying a gun in an airport is a third-degree felony, punishable by two to 10 years in prison and/or being forced to attend Dallas Maverick basketball games.

I really do miss the Cowboys holding their camp in Thousand Oaks. For one thing, I bet Cal Lutheran had a far, far better cafeteria.

All of the Cowboy practices in Austin are open to the public, free of charge. More than 83,000 have attended--they actually take a head count--thus far, and fans are warned: “No coolers, glass containers or pets are permitted.”

I think a guy named “Dude” makes everybody leave their holsters at the gate.

My greatest fear is, I might ask Wild Bill Switzer a question after a game that he doesn’t much like.

“Eat lead, media boy,” the coach could say, then plug me.