Sports Beat: Shaquille O’Neal is paying $2.6...

Sports Beat: Shaquille O’Neal is paying $2.6 million for an eight-bedroom, 14-bathroom house in Beverly Hills. “Fourteen bathrooms? That’s seven more than the Forum.” (Mark Wheeler)

“The NBA held its annual draft of new players and this was the youngest crop of rookies in history,” says Argus Hamilton. “They all wanted to be Los Angeles Lakers because their uniforms are the same color as Barney.”

“Mike Tyson went before the Nevada State Athletic Commission for biting Evander Holyfield. But you know Las Vegas. They not only revoked his boxing license, they voted to blow him up on New Year’s Eve.” (Hamilton)

* “Tyson was so nervous, he was biting someone else’s nails.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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Inside the Beltway: Kenneth Starr is now investigating links between Whitewater and the Teamsters, says the Daily Scoop. “Here’s a link: The rationale for continuing this investigation has disappeared like Jimmy Hoffa.”

The Senate is holding hearings on funding violations in Campaign ’96. “Republicans will ask two questions,” says Alan Ray. “ ‘Who gave the Democrats the most money?’ And, ‘How do we get in contact with them?’ ”

Newt Gingrich is going around bragging that he lost 25 pounds since January, says Jay Leno. “He went on that new Republican diet. This is where you feed yourself on the same amount of money Republicans expect poor people to live on. The pounds fall off just like that.”

Anti-environmentalists responded angrily to the president’s approval of tough new EPA rules on smog and soot, says Bob Mills. “From now on, scientists will have to rate the quality of the ozone layer more specifically than ‘smooth’ or ‘chunky.’ ”

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Martian Chronicles: “Scientists are amazed at what the Sojourner vehicle is finding on Mars. If they think that’s impressive, let’s see it find a parking place at a mall in December.” (Daily Scoop)

Scientists say the surface of the planet is rusting away. “Well, at least now we know where General Motors shipped all those unsold Chevy Celebrities.” (Jerry Perisho)

The pictures show that Mars was once flooded. “Of course, it lacks the one factor that makes high waters on Earth so much more devastating,” says Ray. “Mars has no FEMA.”

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Hollywood Moment: ABC TV says a two-hour movie based on Dennis Rodman’s book is in the works. “The working title is ‘Bad as Anything on CBS.’ ” (Perisho)

Reader Cary Hall’s daughter Leslie, 11, became a Dodger fan this year. As she watched a recent game on TV when the Dodgers played the Angels at Anaheim, it was announced that Mike Piazza would be the designated hitter. Leslie turned to her father and asked seriously,

“Are all the other players drunk?”