Punch Lines

How You Know It Is the Late 20th Century: Life Technologies is coming out with a new water said to contain seven times more oxygen than regular bottled water. “They’re hoping it fits into the hectic schedule of people who are just too busy to breathe,” Premiere Morning Sickness explains.

Federal highway officials told Congress that road rage accounts for two-thirds of the country’s highway deaths. “Road rage is a problem indigenous to California. Our state bird is a hand gesture.” (Argus Hamilton)

* The National Traffic Safety Administration says the main cause of road rage is getting a busy signal on your cell phone. (Paul Ecker)

* “There’s always the Kelsey Grammer solution,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “Take a few drinks to settle yourself down before hitting the road.”

* “It’s true what the behaviorists are saying,” says Russ Meyers. “Now, even the Roadrunner says ‘Bleep. Bleep.’ ”

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Inside the Beltway: After surviving an attempted coup by his own party, Newt Gingrich presided over a breakfast of House Republicans. Says Hamilton, “It was just the 235 of them and their food tasters.”

* The heat wave finally ended. “In fact, in Washington, Gingrich popped his head out of his bunker.” (Brian J. Hill)

Government officials say four of 10 consumers get less milk than is labeled on the container. “Now we know why they keep asking, ‘Got milk?’ ” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

A new GOP poll has George W. Bush and Dan Quayle leading, says Hamilton. “There is one difference--in four years, Bush has a chance to be president. In four years, Quayle has a chance to be 54.”

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The Small Screen: NBC plans to show a live episode of “ER.” “The entire hour is spent filling out insurance forms.” (Jenny Church)

Lorne Michaels, longtime producer of “Saturday Night Live,” has been hired by NBC to produce new programming. “Apparently the network has decided to forgo comedy altogether,” says Bob Mills.

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Around the Country: Red Sox player Mo Vaughn denies an allegation that he hit someone outside a Cleveland club. “He has a pretty good defense,” says the Daily Scoop. “None of the Red Sox are hitting this year.”

The 11th annual International Cat Show was held in Anaheim, says Hill. “Apparently, Socks was disqualified after he was caught taking a donation from a Siamese.”

Woolworth’s is closing all its American stores. “So if you wanna get the new John Tesh CD, now is the time.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Reader Milly Lear was persuading her 4-year-old granddaughter, Hannah, to eat the crusts of her bread. “It will make your hair curly,” she told her. Hannah ate a crust.

“You know, Grandma, my mom has curlers,” she said.