Love Means Nothing to These Networkers

Downey’s California:

Saturday afternoon’s semifinal match of the Infiniti Open took 62 minutes. In men’s tennis, I have seen arguments with chair umpires that last longer. Ilie Nastase needed 62 minutes to clear his throat.

Thomas Enqvist of Sweden, who usually is so humorless, I call him “Coroner’s” Enqvist, was the winner. He guillotined Guillaume Raoux of France, 6-4, 6-1, before a crowd at UCLA that I would estimate at well into three figures.

Pro tennis is making its Southern California summer swing, with women’s events coming up at Carlsbad and Manhattan Beach. I am particularly looking forward to seeing Martina Hingis, who is so young, I think she refers to Jennifer Capriati as “Old Lady Capriati.”

Hingis, the Wimbledon champion, was born in the ‘80s. I have tennis balls older than her.

Steffi Graf will not play at La Costa, unfortunately. I trust she will be at the U.S. Open next month. A rivalry between Graf and Hingis could get so intense, one might bite the other’s ear off.

Otherwise, a first-rate field will begin play at the Toshiba Classic this week. Monica Seles, Mary Pierce, Arantxa Sanchez Vicario, Amanda Coetzer and Venus Williams will vie with Hingis for a nice first prize of $79,000.

(And, I understand the winner gets to drive home in a beautiful new Toshiba.)

The way Hingis is dominating tennis and Tiger Woods golf, I am beginning to think everybody else is washed up if they are older than 22.

I never thought I would say this, but even Andre Agassi looks old.

He played at UCLA the other night. The poor guy had such a frown on his face, I thought he was watching his wife’s TV show.

Men’s tennis was a ball when Agassi and Pete Sampras were both in tip-top shape. I don’t know who Pete’s main rival is now. Michael Chang, I suppose. Or maybe Thomas Muster. I suspect Mr. Muster, with the rope, in the conservatory.

Jim Courier defeated Goran Ivanisevic in the late semifinal at the Infiniti. Both those players are capable of giving Sampras a hard time. (And I mean on a tennis court.)

In a 1996 U.S. Open semifinal, the fourth-seeded Ivanisevic couldn’t break Sampras’ serve, but he didn’t go quietly. Sampras won, 6-3, 6-4, 6-7 (9-11), 6-3, despite letting a 6-3, triple-match-point advantage get away in the tiebreaker.

And in their 1995 Wimbledon semifinal, Ivanisevic aced Sampras 38 times. The match--won by Sampras--was so close, Pete won 146 points, Goran 145.

We also all know Courier to be capable of great things. When he set his cap, he could play with anybody.

Looking back on his time on top, the well-spoken Courier says winning tournaments meant more to him than being ranked No. 1, mainly because: “Winning has always been more tangible. You can’t touch No. 1. It’s, like, transcendental. It’s there, but you can’t grasp it, like you can when you win the last point of a tournament and the trophy is yours.”

It could be that nobody will take the trophy from Sampras at the U.S. Open.

But I will pull for Agassi to score an upset, because I hate to see the old guy so down.

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* Funny Letter of the Month comes from Sheldon H. Sloan, member, Coliseum Commission, who writes: “Everybody in L.A. . . . supports the New Coliseum as the place for the NFL to resume playing in Los Angeles.” Uh, sure thing, Sheldon . . . everybody you know. Get out more.

* As a gift for her next wedding anniversary, someone should get baseball player Mark Whiten’s wife a nice, new husband.

* A buck says Ben Hogan birdies the first hole at Pearly Gates.

* I notice Fuzzy Zoeller did not advise the British Open organizers on what to serve Justin Leonard for supper.

* Chan Ho Park’s batting average is better than Gary Sheffield’s.

* The L.A. Kings are expected to announce that if they ever make the NHL playoffs again, they will raise ticket prices to $1 million per ticket, after which they will lower prices to $100,000 per ticket, a savings to fans of more than $900,000 per ticket!!!