It’s never too late to learn.Just the...

It’s never too late to learn.

Just the other day I tuned in KFI-AM (640) to hear the nation’s and my favorite radio psychotherapist and family and relations counselor, Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Although some consider her excessively brusque, insincere and superficial, I again found myself marveling at her no-nonsense manner and ability to swiftly dispense diagnoses and catchy advice to callers, based on sketchy data.

It’s worked, swelling her popularity to the point that she is now on more than 430 stations in the United States and Canada, and markets a “Dr. Laura Collection”--including tapes, books, records, clothing, coffee mugs and license-plate covers--through her official Web page.

So, I was thinking, why can’t it work for me?

“Dr. Howard?”

“Don’t bother me. Next reader.”

“Dr. Howard?”

“Yes. All right, out with it.”

“I like to watch ‘Ellen.’ ”

“Because you’re a lesbian and in love with Ellen DeGeneres.”

“No, because it’s funny.”

“Being gay is nothing to be ashamed of. Deal with it. Next reader.”

“Dr. Howard?”

“Shut up! Next reader.”

“Dr. Howard?”

“Yes, this is Dr. Howard, dad to my kid and a regular mushpot. Welcome to my column. What is your question for me?”

“I like watching ‘Nothing Sacred’ because I’m Catholic.”

“No, you’re Presbyterian. Deal with it. Next reader.”

“Dr. Howard?”

“What is it? Out with it.”

“Just like that Jamie on ‘Mad About You,’ I recently had a baby and. . . .”

“Who knocked you up?”

“No one.”

“Are you gonna listen to me or debate with me?”

“No, really, it was my husband.”

“Get rid of him and go take on the day. Next reader.”

“Dr. Howard?”

“Get yourself a honey. Next reader.”

“Dr. Howard?”

“Yes.”

“I like watching ‘Murphy Brown’ ‘cause I have a son, too.”

“And you want to put him up for adoption?”

“No, no, he’s 10.”

“And he’s gotten his honey pregnant?”

“I don’t believe so.”

“Why, because he won’t admit it? Refusing to face his promiscuity won’t eliminate your hurt.”

“I have no hurt.”

“Denying you’re hurting is why you’ve alienated all your friends.”

“I have no friends.”

“Which is why you’re hurting. Next reader.”

“Dr. Howard?”

“Yes, and dad to my kid. What is it?”

“My husband is so funny. He reminds me so much of Tim on ‘Home Improvement.’ ”

“Then why is he playing around?”

“My husband?”

“Wait a minute, wait a minute. I’m a little confused here. Who are we talking about?”

“My husband?”

“Exactly. The one who’s got himself a honey on the side.”

“He doesn’t.”

“Not confronting him has made you miserable. It’s in your body language. Just look at the way you’re sitting.”

“I’m standing.”

“You just think you’re standing. If you won’t face reality, I can’t help you. Next reader.”

“Dr. Howard?”

“The same. Don’t forget to visit my Web page for my Halloween specials. Columns, key chains, Jockey shorts--one size fits all. Lots of good stuff there.”

“I’m so grumpy lately that I remind myself of that character Bill Cosby plays in his sitcom.”

“Try a strapless bra.”

“Huh?”

“Your bra straps are digging into your shoulders and making you irritable. Next reader.”

“Dr. Howard?”

“Finally, a male reader. Who are you shacking up with?”

“Actually, I wanted to talk about ‘The Nanny.’ ”

“I’m in an awkward position here because I don’t know what’s really going on in your life. I can only say with certainty that you’re headed for a crackup. Act like a man. Deal with it.”

“Dr. Howard?”

“My daughter’s nickname for me is da-da. Deal with it. Next reader.”

“I saw an episode of ‘Law & Order’ where the husband was playing around outside the marriage.”

“If 90% of men are bad boys who play around, what percentage of women allow them to do that?”

“Uh, 75%?”

“What’s your point?”

“Isn’t it your point?”

“Don’t try to excuse your weakness by pushing it all off on me. Next reader.”

“Dr. Howard?”

“Good, another male reader. Do not do anything in your life that you would not teach your son to do.”

“I wanted to talk about ‘Touched by an Angel.’ I have no children and don’t want any.”

“Then you’ll be miserable, for no one will ever call you da-da.”

“Dr. Howard?”

“Don’t whine. What is it?”

“It’s about George Clooney of ‘ER.’ ”

“Not everybody who puts the shawl upon his shoulders has the shoulders for the shawl.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You don’t understand? How can you not understand? I spent days polishing that concept. It’s so clear that I’m going to put it on my mugs. The shawl and the shoulders may not match, but they should.”

“Match what?”

“Match each other, you idiot!”

“But if they don’t match, wouldn’t the shawl fall off the shoulders?”

“Yes, of course. That’s the point. They have to match. Or the shawl will fall off. Or at least look real yucky.”

“So yucky that people would laugh at you ‘cause you wouldn’t look stylish? Like Mr. Blackwell would laugh at you?”

“Right. It’s a fashion statement. Anything you say. Next reader.”

“Dr. Howard?”

“And my kid’s da-da. Don’t forget that.”

“I love ‘Melrose Place’ so much that when it comes on, I literally run from whatever I’m doing and turn on the set.”

“Anything you have to run from is your master.”

“Would that include a fast-approaching tornado?”

“No, no, no! I’m talking about people. Running from people, not acts of God.”

“Does that include someone who wins a race, like in the track meet I saw on TV the other day?”

“Yes. Well, no, I guess not. Not technically. I mean, it’s not the Ten Commandments. It’s just a saying. Get a life, all right? Next reader.”

“Dr. Howard?”

“Yes.”

“I can’t make myself stop watching ’60 Minutes’ and start watching ‘Dateline NBC.’ ”

“You’ve got to let go of one end of the pool if you’re going to paddle to the other side.”

“What if you don’t have a paddle?”

“Then use your damned arms, OK?”

“But only after letting go?”

“Yes, yes, brilliant. Only after letting go. You win the grand prize.”

“Dr. Howard, you’re so sensitive and caring.”

“Well, they don’t call me a mushpot for nothing.”