Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be QBs

I have two daughters, and the way the Xs and O’s have been explained to me, that’s my fault.

But do I need to be reminded of it every Sunday?

One girl is a budding accountant, the other a seasoned party-goer and neither will ever be a quarterback, just when the world is desperate for quarterbacks. And quarterbacks make millions of dollars and usually take care of their fathers.

Instead of always asking-whining for a car, quarterbacks can buy their own and one for everyone else in the family. Archie Manning didn’t have to pay a penny to send his talented son to the University of Tennessee, and now he’s sitting back, waiting to see who gives the lad a $10-million signing bonus to play professional football.

Me, I’m watching Stoney Case, Glenn Foley and Danny Wuerffel every Sunday because there are tuition payments still to be paid long after Peyton Manning has announced his retirement from the NFL.

You, you’re going to be sitting in the new Coliseum come 2001 in your $200 club seat, ducking every pass thrown by Tony Graziani while telling your kids--dressed in their best soccer uniforms--about the good old days when the NFL had real-live quarterbacks like John Elway, Dan Marino and Steve Young.

(By the way, still no word from Philip Anschutz, the Denver billionaire who hasn’t responded to reports that he has already decided to pull out of the new Coliseum pursuit for football, thereby killing the effort. So make that: You, you’re going to be sitting in the new Coliseum come 2010 in your $400 club seat ducking . . . )

The NBA lost Magic Johnson and Larry Bird, and caught a glimpse of life without Michael Jordan a few years ago, and it wasn’t much fun. Now the NFL is on the brink of turning the game over to the generic Collins quarterbacks in Carolina and Buffalo and Danny Kanell, while at the same time extorting millions of dollars from fans across the country to build new stadiums and pay more money for tickets to view lousy play.

My daughter could have been a heck of a quarterback if she had been a boy--and had my coaching. Instead the future looks like this:

Tony Banks? His team hasn’t scored a touchdown on offense since September, and the honeymoon’s over in St. Louis, what with Ram fans booing his every move.

“I’m sick of all that, that’s for sure,” said Banks.

And the franchise has staked its future on him.

Case? He lasted less than one game with the Arizona Cardinals in replacing Kent Graham, who excited no one.

Graziani? A fighter? No, he’s a rookie from Oregon who has been promoted to backup at Atlanta, jumping over Billy Joe Tolliver to play behind Chris Chandler, who is capable of hurting himself while getting dressed.

Paul Justin? He starts for Indianapolis, which hasn’t won a game, and didn’t consider using him until Jim Harbaugh got hurt.

Wuerffel? He replaced Heath Shuler, and for the first time in 263 games, the Saints were shut out.

Kanell? He wasn’t good enough to replace a sound, but horrible, Dave Brown. But now that the Giants have no choice because of Brown’s injury, he’s their savior, as long as the defense plays well.

Foley? Saved the day for the Jets, and then, after consideration, Coach Bill Parcells announced Foley would still back up Neil O’Donnell. Now that says something.

Kordell Stewart? He has yet to prove he isn’t anything more than a newer model of an erratic Randall Cunningham.

Steve McNair? He has put together two solid games. The NFL schedule demands work over a 16-week schedule.

Jake Plummer? He has yet to start a game and Arizona is so starved for a quarterback the fans have been lining up to watch him play against Tennessee this week.

“The ticket itself from Jake’s first start might be something of great value one day, like a ticket from Johnny Unitas’ first start,” said Michael Bidwill, vice president and general counsel of the team.

Everybody has apparently dismissed that little incident in a bar that involved Plummer allegedly fondling some local women last summer. Hey, the guy can be a great quarterback, and Arizona has a different quarterback every opening day for the last 13 years.

“This whole thing is unbelievable,” a Cardinal official said. “Everybody has forgotten we’re 1-6.”

Since 1990, NFL teams have selected 15 quarterbacks in the first round of the draft, and the reason the NFL looks quarterback-poor today is because of the staggering number of first-round busts: David Klingler, Tommy Maddox, Andre Ware, Browning Nagle, Todd Marinovich, Dan McGwire, Rick Mirer, Brown and Shuler, leaving Kerry Collins, Jeff George, Drew Bledsoe, Jim Druckenmiller, Trent Dilfer and McNair as the foundation for future excitement.

Two years from now, Elway will have retired, Jimmy Johnson will have thrown a going-away party for Marino and Young will have absorbed one concussion too many, leaving Brett Favre, Bledsoe, who has wilted in big games, and Mark Brunell, still trying to come back from a knee injury, as the game’s great playmakers.

There are 18 starting quarterbacks under 30, but 13 of those were not No. 1 draft picks, so instead of superstars, the NFL is relying on overachievers to carry the day.

Would you buy a PSL to watch Elvis Grbac, Brad Johnson, Gus Frerotte, Dilfer, Erik Kramer or Vinny Testaverde throw the ball? Jeff Blake failed to make the jump to the big time in Cincinnati, Warren Moon is facing his last sunset, George has been a loser everywhere he has gone, and although they expanded the stadium in San Diego to allow more people to watch Stan Humphries and Jim Everett take turns playing, no one seems to be showing up.

The very best teams have the solid combination of coach and quarterback, which explains why there are not very many outstanding teams in the NFL. And not surprisingly, the league has now resorted to running the ball more.

NFL teams are averaging five more yards a game on the ground than a year ago, and rushing touchdowns are up 15%. A dozen players already have rushed for more than 150 yards--an increase of six from a year ago--and 100-yard rushing performances are up 26%.

There have been nearly three times as many 100-yard rushing performances, 59, as 300-yard passing performances, 20.

That makes for some boring football, unless it’s Barry Sanders cutting right and then left for 80 yards.

As for developing young quarterbacks, forget it. Free agency no longer allows teams to build around youngsters and bring them along gradually. Much of a team’s money is now tied up in the quarterback, and he must deliver.

At the same time coaches are changed more regularly, putting a premium on winning now. More than one-third of the league’s head coaches lost their jobs last year, which explains why a nervous Dave Wannstedt gave Mirer the heave-ho in Chicago after 11 quarters of playing time--much of it against New England and Dallas.

PSLs and the high ticket prices also have made fans more demanding and less patient, but then we won’t have that problem here in Los Angeles until 2001. Sorry, I mean 2010.