Punch Lines

Norman, Is That You?: Hollywood is planning a remake of the classic film “Psycho.” “In the new version, after Norman Bates slashes his victims, Johnnie Cochran gets him off the charge.” (Premiere Radio)

Paulagate: “With the Paula Jones case thrown out of court, President Clinton may be the luckiest man who ever lived. If he’d been on the Titanic, the iceberg would have sunk.” (Argus Hamilton)

Paula II: Some say this will weaken Kenneth Starr’s case. “That’s like saying a bad scene might weaken the plot of ‘Melrose Place.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)

Just One More: According to a CNN survey, 63% approve of the judge’s decision. “And 12% just liked watching Susan Carpenter-McMillan left speechless.” (Premiere Radio)


A Modest Proposal: A new theater will be built in Hollywood to house the Academy Awards show. “It’ll cost about $300 million. For that amount of money, maybe they can hang a real big clock in front of the stage.” (Premiere Radio)

Say Cheesy: A fan took a picture of George Clooney urinating in a Planet Hollywood and it’s now circulating around town. “Critics agree it’s a better picture than ‘Batman and Robin.’ ” (Premiere Radio)

When Cetaceans Become Celebs: “Sea World has lost track of the released J.J. the whale. But next week J.J. will be reunited with her parents on a very special ‘Jerry Springer.’ ” (Kaseberg)

Lost World Outtakes: “It costs $7 to get into the new Barney movie and $15 to get the ticket seller to tell your kids it’s sold out.” (Paul Steinberg)


Fornigate: Former Miss America Elizabeth Ward Gracen says she and Bill Clinton had consensual sex in 1983. “Kinda gives new meaning to the title ‘Miss Congeniality.’ ” (Steve Voldseth)

Ms. Doogie Howser: At 11, Emily Rosa is the youngest person ever to be published in the prestigious Journal of the American Medical Assn. “Efforts to reach her for an interview were unsuccessful. It was her golf day.” (Bob Molinaro)


The Essential David Letterman:


Top 10 excuses of Paula Jones’ lawyers:

10. Got tired of being paid with cases of hair spray.

8. Bad idea to have Paula try on that glove from the O.J. trial.

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