Punch Lines

Some Taxing Options: “If you haven’t filed your income taxes, here are some options: a) file an extension, b) rush to H&R; Block, or c) call Dr. Kevorkian for an appointment.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Tax Tripping: Until midnight, the IRS will have a toll-free hotline to answer questions. “For security purposes they’ve hired Linda Tripp to record all calls.” (Bill Williams)

The President’s Fanny: “According to President Clinton’s 1997 federal tax return, the president gave some money to a Fannie Mae. Now Kenneth Starr wants to do an investigation. Starr’s asking: ‘Who’s Fannie Mae?’ ” (Vic Cohen)

Bedside Manner: “The president wanted to list his home office as a business deduction, but the IRS has laws against deducting your bedroom.” (Cohen)

Love Boat: The Next Titanic

* “Last night on the UPN Network--and who isn’t watching that these days?--they had the premiere of ‘Love Boat: The Next Wave.’ Where’s that iceberg when you need it?” (Jay Leno)

* “The new ‘Love Boat’ made its debut last night. The show features a new captain, new crew, a new updated theme song. They were going to give the show a new 1990s politically correct name, but ‘The Co-Dependent Potentially Destructive and Dysfunctional Relationship Boat’ was a bit wordy.” (Ira Lawson)

* “Did you see last night’s ‘Love Boat’? Nielsen families started bailing out within the first half-hour, with women and children leaving the room first.” (Premiere Radio)

* “Did you see ‘Love Boat’? It was so bad, they sent up distress flares and even the Carpathia didn’t stop to help.” (Premiere Radio)

Bugs on Board: “When astronauts on Columbia take off Thursday, they will have 18 mice, 152 rats and 1,500 crickets on board. Hmmm, rodents and insects jammed into cramped living quarters. Sounds like a $2,500-per-month New York City apartment.” (Jerry Perisho)

An Enterprising Entry: The Science Fiction Hall of Fame is being built in Long Beach. “It will display props, artifacts and a collection of Captain Kirk’s toupees.” (Premiere Radio)

Move Over, George: “According to Men’s Health magazine, the male lion can have sex 100 times a day. It’s now known as the President of the Jungle.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

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