Punch Lines
Tax Bond: MGM has won a court order against Sony studios, which was attempting to make a James Bond film, a longtime MGM franchise. “The judge warned Sony that if it does try to make this film, then every time the suave British agent enters America, he will be slapped with a hefty tariff.” (Jeff Courveau)
Flying Jackpots: Two Las Vegas casinos are putting together a new airline that will fly people to Nevada. “If we lose cabin pressure, a mask and a bid sheet will drop from the overhead compartment. Put the mask on, then place your bet on how many will survive the crash.” (Jerry Perisho)
Dr. Babe: A London company that develops animal-to-human transplants plans to use pig livers to treat patients with liver problems. “To prepare for the surgery, patients will be required to eat an apple and take a mud bath.” (David Christensen)
Savings Galore: The Albertson’s supermarket chain will buy Lucky markets in an $11.7-billion deal. “The purchase price will be paid in cash, stock options and 10%-off coupons.” (Bob Mills)
Masking Up: “It turns out Linda Tripp uses clever decoys to avoid the press--Howard Stern in a blond wig and oversized muumuu.” (Alex Kaseberg)
Take a Letter: The U.S. Postal Service has issued a commemorative stamp honoring filmmaker Alfred Hitchcock. “Unfortunately, it will work only on letters sent to cities located north by northwest.” (Mills)
The Lockdown: Despite continuing sharp declines in the incidence of serious crime, the nation’s prison population is growing. “A recent Department of Justice study cites two possible causes. No. 1, judges handing down longer jail terms, and No. 2, a massive influx of former Clinton administration officials.” (White Collar Comedy)
A Dirty Mess: Monica Lewinsky has turned over a dress to prosecutors that is rumored to have stains on it that prove she had a relationship with President Clinton. “That’s got to be embarrassing, having the whole world know you’re that far behind on your laundry.” (Jay Leno)
Martha’s Rumor: President Clinton will be testifying as scheduled Aug. 17. That’s just a couple of days before he and wife Hillary are supposed to go on their summer vacation to Martha’s Vineyard. “That should be a romantic two weeks. You have the feeling you won’t see any dancing on the beach this time?” (Leno)
* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.
