Punch Lines

Quick Change Artists: Pacific Bell is seeking an OK to charge customers $1.10 for each 411 directory assistance call. “Next year’s Pac Bell proposal is to charge 75 cents for dialing a wrong number.” (Paul Ecker)

Pot Meets Kettle: Geraldo Rivera has said that Jerry Springer is the most shameful man in America. “Geraldo lost the title when his show went off the air.” (Gary Easley)

Double Jeopardy: New research shows men can prevent prostate cancer by taking supplements of the mineral selenium, but side effects include baldness and tooth loss. “So down the road, men at risk who don’t take selenium can’t have sex, and if they do take selenium, they won’t have sex.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Support System: “Vice President Al Gore says he watched President Clinton’s speech and he’s proud of him for having the courage to acknowledge his mistakes. Gore also said the president should stay the hell away from his daughters.” (Conan O’Brien)

Bitter Pill: Last week was the 38th anniversary of the sale of the first birth control pills. “And today is the 38th anniversary of the first guy going, ‘What do you mean you forgot?’ ” (Jay Leno)

Pastime Chore: With football season just about here, it’s time for men to perform the annual substitution play. That’s where you take out the baking soda your wife put in the refrigerator to free up more space for beer.” (Russ Myers)

Changing Places: The Newport Harbor Nautical Museum will serve a duplicate of the last meal on the Titanic. “For a touch of realism, there will be no dessert.” (Stan Kaplan)

Girlie Pictures: Nude pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio will appear in Playgirl. “It’ll be the first time teenage girls will lock themselves in a bathroom with a dirty magazine.” (Premiere Radio)

Busted: Suzanne Somers and her husband and manager are being sued for $500,000 for allegedly defrauding a group of northern Michigan investors. “If the investors win the case, Suzanne may have to pay them off in unsold ‘Buttmasters.’ ” (Mark Wheeler)

News at 11: “A new study shows that watching TV news scares small children. During the breaks, they show promos of the new fall TV season.” (Easley)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.