The Royal Penalty Box Is Spot for Them

To: Emperor Akihito.

Date: 22 Feb 1998 (22 Ni-gatsu ‘98)

Copy: Empress Michiko, Crown Prince Naruhito, Prince Akishino and Princess Sayako.

From: An Ashamed U.S. Citizen.

Re: Village Idiots.

Your Majesty:

On behalf of my people, I beg your pardon for our ice hockey hooligans’ shenanigans.

Your forgiveness, your highness, I do not beg.

We have a woman in Washington, D.C., name of Janet Reno. Have your people call her people.

Apprehend these criminals.

Extradite their sorry rear ends back to Japan. Show no mercy. Make them take off their shoes, then wipe up the floor with them.

Do not let our athletes’ village idiots slip-slide out of this. A slap on the wrist won’t do any good. These men play hockey. Try a slap to the head.

Destroying $3,000 of your property is no laughing matter.

Send some ninja warriors to their homes, to bust up the place. See how they like it.

I don’t know which of our “professionals” were responsible for wrecking furniture and flinging fire extinguishers out of windows.

I don’t much care.

If no one squeals, make all of them fly back. If no one confesses, keep the whole class after school.

Team USA came to Japan on a chartered jet, with full-sized beds, first-class food, first-run films and a nice exercise bike.

Call Japan Air Lines. Book them on a JAL flight to Tokyo, one-way, with layovers in Alaska, Siberia and Okinawa, in economy.

Middle seats.

Handcuffed to a couple of Tokyo’s Finest.

Read them their rights. Haul them into Nagano night court. Throw the book at them.

If your judges are reluctant to upset diplomatic relations, we have a fine judge named Ito back in Los Angeles you may borrow for this case.

He will find the culprit, if he has to make every one of them try on their goalie’s gloves.

I apologize for their low behavior, your highness.

You made them welcome in your athletes’ village. You gave them cots, clean sheets, hot water, fresh towels, free tea, free Coke, a stove, a sink, a mini-fridge and a maid.

They gave you back broken chairs, busted glass and a bill for close to 400,000 yen.

This is chump change for our NHL’s superstars. These guys spend $3,000 on denture creme.

We just gave one of Russia’s players $36 million to play hockey in North Carolina, and they don’t even like hockey in North Carolina.

So, don’t let the athletes’ village idiots get off by springing for the damages.

Go get them. Inconvenience them.

Make them miss an NHL game or two. Make their teams pay the price, on the ice. Make them come back to Japan, to get their comeuppance.

We don’t have “loss of face” in America. We have comeuppance.

I mean it, your majesty.

Call up your friend and ally, Mr. Clinton. He has Ms. Reno’s number in his little black book.

He is busy with Iraq, but he will take your call.

And if he doesn’t, here’s what you do:

Have your ambassador to the United States visit our Oval Office. Instruct him to throw the President’s chair and fire extinguisher out the window.