Teaching Willpower and Won’t Power

Jo Gottfried worries about her daughters, growing up in a world that can be so dangerous for girls, so unfair to women.

“The random violence scares me, that so much of it is targeted at girls and women. My oldest daughter and I recently watched the Oprah Winfrey show where they had a really good segment on safety, things like what to do if someone gets you in the trunk of their car. It’s sad to have to teach your kids those kinds of lessons, but I want her to know,” said Gottfried, 42, mother of girls ages 4 and 9.

The show advised kidnap victims to pull out the car’s taillight wires, increasing the chances that an inoperative brake light would cause police to stop the driver. The rear lights can also be kicked out in some cars, Gottfried said, allowing the victim to reach a hand or foot through the opening and signal for help.

“When I was growing up, we could get out on our bikes and be riding all day, all over town. We knew all our neighbors, and there were adults home. We don’t have that today. Now, people are afraid to let their kids out by themselves.”

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Gottfried has made a career out of such concerns, as coordinator of teen programs at the nonprofit Girls Inc. of Orange County since 1990, and as a social worker in the county since 1981. But as her daughters grow, Gottfried has chosen to cut back on her working hours, sacrificing income for motherhood.

“Since I had my kids, I’ve worked more part time and looked for more flexibility in my work. My husband and I made the tough choices. We haven’t got as much money in the bank, and our cars are not brand new, but that’s not what’s important to us. Raising these kids really well--that’s important.”

At a time when women’s rights are increasingly recognized, growing up a girl is still fraught with peril, Gottfried said. She gets her information firsthand, during private counseling sessions and at Girls Inc. drop-in centers at six middle- and high school campuses in Orange County.

“What we’re seeing is that the girls we can make the least impact on are the girls who have been molested,” she said. “They don’t have parents who protect them. They are often in dangerous situations, taking incredible risks with adult partners and multiple partners, engaging in unprotected sex. They are out of control. And some of them are combining this behavior with a lot of drug abuse. They are in serious trouble.

“When they are sexualized at such an early age, their sexual feelings are all messed up. And their identities are confused, because they’re often being identified as being sexy or sexual at a young age.”

As girls enter puberty and the middle-school years, some parents let go too quickly, Gottfried said. Instead of setting limits, mothers want to be their daughters’ best friends. And fathers often react to their daughters’ emerging sexuality by being either overprotective or too distant, she said.

Programs offered by Girls Inc. are overflowing with girls, Gottfried said, because they give adolescents what they most need: someone who will listen.

“What I get from most people is, ‘Oh, she’s just 13. Don’t worry about it. It will blow over in a year or two.’ Well, in a year or two, your kid could be HIV-positive. Age 13 is not the age to cut loose on your kids.

“And from what I’m hearing, these girls don’t want to be cut loose. They want a change in the relationship with their parents, but they want even more closeness, in a different way.

“It’s easy to tell yourself they don’t need parenting, or they don’t want it, but neither of those is true. They need it desperately.”

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Gottfried also tries to warn young girls about the ill intentions of men through role-playing games with older male volunteers, with no physical contact. The program recently qualified for a grant from PacificCare Foundation for 1998.

“It’s not just a matter of ‘Just say no.’ They need to hear some of the ways that guys might sweet-talk them into situations. For them to learn how to speak their minds during adolescence is a big task.

“What really bothers me is who you see getting pregnant. The younger the girl, the older the guy, by four to six years. In 68% of teen births, the father is out of high school. So if every single high school boy never had sex again, about two-thirds of all teen births would still occur.

“Parents are uncomfortable at having to deal with the sexuality of their children, but when you look at the consequences and the situations that these girls are in every day, it’s necessary.”

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Profile: Jo Gottfried

Age: 42

Hometown: Griffith, Ind.

Residence: Irvine

Family: Husband, Roger; two daughters, ages 4 and 9

Education: Bachelor’s degree in social work, Ball State University; master’s degree in social work, University of Denver

Background: Medical social worker at Western Medical Center-Santa Ana, 1981-84; chief social worker, Child Guidance Center (Costa Mesa and Huntington Beach), 1984-88; clinical social worker in private practice, 1990-94; teen program coordinator at Girls Inc. of Orange County since 1990

On mothers and daughters: “Some mothers are good at being their daughters’ best friends, but not good at being their parents. They relate with them, but they do not set limits, and the girls are out of control.”

Source: Jo Gottfried; Researched by RUSS LOAR / For The Times