Off-Kilter

Punch a Celebrity: Ever wanted to slug Bill Gates, Capt. Kirk, Martha Stewart or John Tesh? Of course, you have. And if it weren’t for our arcane legal system, which inexplicably outlaws mankind’s instinctive need to bop annoying celebrities in the chops, you probably would. Now, through the magic of the Internet, it’s possible to release those pent-up aggressions.

At https://www.well.com/user/vanya/ you can deck William Shatner’s alter ego and watch his toupee fly off. Or bonk Mr. Microsoft and see his teeth fall out. Swing again and Tesh’s nose bleeds, Michael Jackson’s plastic face cracks and Stewart’s head explodes into a bouquet of flowers. Alas, there’s no Mike Tyson ear-biting feature, but the site does record how many belts each celebrity has endured. At last count, the champ was Gates, with 160,678 blows to the snout, trailed by Kirk (79,580), Tesh (52,453), Jacko (51,343) and Stewart (36,762).

Do They Make Bulletproof Flea Collars?: Maybe President Clinton’s new dog, Buddy, should receive his own Secret Service detail. According to USA Today, White House canines aren’t immune to assassination attempts. Abraham Lincoln’s dog, Fido, which was the first presidential pooch to be photographed, was also the first to die in office. Fido was stabbed by a drunk after running out of the house.

Saddam Looks a Gift Camel in the Mouth: Our time-traveling journalist returns from a second trip aboard Caltech’s top-secret time machine with a news report from two weeks into the future: “In a bizarre attempt to get inside Saddam Hussein’s palace to search for biological weapons, a giant wooden camel on wheels was airlifted into Baghdad yesterday and left outside the palace gates. Fifty U.N. inspectors were hiding inside the ‘Trojan Camel,’ waiting to sneak out once the camel was taken into the palace and the Iraqi guards fell asleep. Instead, the plan backfired when the Iraqis mistakenly assumed the camel was a giant pin~ata, hung it between two trees and smashed it apart with artillery fire.”

Best New Advertising Slogan: For the reintroduced Volkswagen Beetle, “If you sold your soul in the ‘80s, here’s your chance to buy it back.”

Weird Polls Department: Bausch & Lomb did a survey asking people what they first notice about members of the opposite sex. Women said they focus on a man’s smile and teeth. Men said they look at a woman’s eyes. Hmmm. We’re a little suspicious about the eyes part, especially because Bausch & Lomb is a company that makes optical products. Maybe the results would be more accurate if the study had been done by Playtex.

Bad Things Come to Those Who Wait: Alvin Toffeebee patiently stood in line to rob an Atlanta bank, but when he got to the front, the teller informed him he was in “the wrong line.” So he waited in another line for 20 minutes, long enough for police to show up and arrest him, according to Premiere Radio.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Mama Was a Saint--but I Murdered Her Anyway!” (Weekly World News)

No, the story wasn’t written by one of the Menendez brothers.

* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Sources: Olympia Daily World, Kenny Noble Cortes