Get Out Your No. XXXII Pencils

According to a Los Angeles Times poll, a professional football team should return to L.A.:

(a) When hell freezes over. (49%).

(b) As soon as San Diego gets one. (21%).

(c) Right after the Clippers take care of the Bulls in Game 7. (16%).

(d) As soon as O.J. finds the real killer. (8%).

(e) Oh, did our pro football teams leave? (6%).

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The real reason to watch Super Bowl XXXII is:

(a) John Elway’s shocking decision to sit this one out. (33%).

(b) Ahmad Rashad’s surprise sideline interview with Monica Lewinsky. (28%).

(c) NBC’s shocking decision to show us the score. (19%).

(d) The hilarious “Bud Bowl” commercial in which Bud and Bud Light bottles get treatment for substance abuse. (13%).

(e) That shocking moment when Bob Costas and Dick Enberg spit in a CBS eye. (7%).

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A big controversy in today’s game could be:

(a) Whether the Packers should go for 100 points, or fall on the ball. (51%).

(b) Oprah Winfrey’s offhand comment that she will never eat another nacho. (22%).

(c) Greg Gumbel’s exclusive halftime interview with El Nino. (15%).

(d) The bonfire of those ugly uniforms by Denver’s players, immediately after the game. (7%).

(e) Gilbert Brown leaping into the stands to celebrate a Green Bay touchdown, killing 10, injuring hundreds. (5%).

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The Packers could easily lose this game:

(a) If Brett Favre has an off day. (66%).

(b) If Brett Favre wakes up this morning somewhere in Mexico, with no money and no memory of how he got there. (14%).

(c) If Brett Favre can’t play in what he calls “this dang San Diego weather.” (9%).

(d) If Brett Favre suddenly remembers that Green Bay couldn’t even beat the Indianapolis Colts. (7%).

(e) If Brett Favre is told to say “I’m going to Disneyland!” as soon as the game ends, but mistakenly goes to Disneyland as soon as the first quarter ends. (4%).

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NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue’s primary concern is:

(a) “Should I use that CBS money to build a tennis court or a pool?” (18%).

(b) If Tennessee has a team, does that mean Kentucky’s going to want one? (6%).

(c) Letting AFC teams use 12 players to the NFC’s 11 . . . fair or unfair? (70%).

(d) “Oh, what the heck, why not let Jerry Jones coach?” (4%).

(e) “If we place a call to the White House, so the president can congratulate the winning coach, but we hear a woman’s voice, should we hang up?” (2%).

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The Raiders will not leave Oakland, unless:

(a) L.A. gets all the hot Howie Long action movies first. (35%).

(b) L.A. builds luxury boxes. No stadium. Just luxury boxes. (30%).

(c) L.A. gives each Raider total immunity. (17%).

(d) L.A. lets Peter O’Malley buy half the team, wear his black leather jacket to the games, park his Harley near the gate. (12%).

(e) L.A. refrains from dropping “Coliseum” name and calling it “Office Depot Stadium.” (6%).

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Super Bowl XXXII’s most valuable player will be:

(a) Reggie White, for sacking Denver’s quarterback five times. (21%).

(b) LeRoy Butler, for knocking down five of Denver’s passes. (13%).

(c) Dorsey Levens, for gaining 200 yards against Denver’s defense. (8%).

(d) Santana Dotson, for stopping Denver’s rushing attack all day. (3%).

(e) Bill Romanowski, for punching Reggie White, biting LeRoy Butler, clotheslining Dorsey Levens and blindsiding Santana Dotson. (55%).

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After the game, Green Bay’s fans will:

(a) Party till the cows come home. (39%).

(b) Party with the cows. (40%).

(c) Carry off Coach Mike Holmgren on their shoulders after a great victory. (10%).

(d) Ask management for a smaller coach next time. (10%).

(e) Stagger out of San Diego, muttering to themselves, “We lost to Denver? We lost to Denver???” (1%).