He’s Tall but Not a Tall Order

When Evander Holyfield climbs in the ring against Henry Akinwande at Madison Square Garden on Saturday night, at first he won’t know whether to fight him or climb him.

Akinwande looks as if, certain times of the year, he’d have snow on top. Also he has the wingspan of a 747. When they put a picture of Akinwande with his arms spread on Page 1, they usually have to say “Continued on Page 3.”

Years ago, in this business, they used to refer to Primo Carnera as “the Ambling Alp” in honor of his front elevation. But they’d have to go to the Himalayas for an apt alliteration for Akinwande, he’s so far above sea level. Instead of a cornerman and a cut man, Holyfield might need two Sherpas and an oxygen bottle to get to Akinwande’s summit. Plus, it’ll be at such long range, Holyfield might have to label his punches “To whom it may concern.” It’ll be the prize-ring equivalent of putting a note in a bottle and throwing it out to sea. He might be able to reach him only by yodel.

Akinwande doesn’t belong in a ring. He belongs in a pivot. As anyone who has ever seen him fight can attest.

Of course, Akinwande is not without his smarts. His capacity to adjust was demonstrated when he fought Lennox Lewis recently. It didn’t take long for Akinwande to realize he’d made a terrible mistake. A couple of hard rights to his jaw rammed the realization home. So Akinwande cleverly solved the problem: He stopped fighting. This had the effect of not making Lewis any angrier than he was. But, of course, referee Miles Lane was less cooperative. He threw Akinwande out of the ring for not trying and disqualified him. This pleased the crowd, which had paid to see a fight, not Swan Lake.

Not that it bothered Akinwande. His game plan was survival. So in the best military tradition, he sheathed his weapons and retreated. Waded out in the water, so to speak, and waited for the boats to come pick him up.

Of course, Akinwande, although raised in Nigeria, was born in England, where it has always been considered quite proper to chuck it when you see things getting out of hand.

So Henry simply broke off the engagement. Retired for the night, so to speak. The whole olio kind of reminded me of the story of the “Tipton Slasher,” Benny Valger, who once decked an opponent who took the count on one knee and showed no inclination to get up. The ref who knew he wasn’t that badly hurt broke off the count to inquire “What’s the matter? Aren’t you going to fight anymore?” The boy grinned “Yessir! But not tonight!”

In the old days, they used to call this outcome “No contest.” The banished fighter had his purse held up and his reputation sullied. Sometimes, to be sure, a fighter would offer “no contest” because he had been bribed (or threatened) by the mob not to offer any.

This was not Akinwande’s trouble. Breaking off the contest was his own idea. You see, Lewis not only hits hard, he is some inches taller than Holyfield and able to target his punches more accurately.

Holyfield might have to find a way to smuggle his left hooks into the hitting area. You will remember the former champion, Floyd Patterson, was similarly height-handicapped and took to hurling himself at his opponent like Michael Jordan going to the basket. He got away with it till the nights he tried it on Sonny Liston, who had two telephone poles for arms and Patterson impaled himself on them. You will recall his two Liston fights lasted about a round and a half, total.

You have to factor that the Lewis fight was the only one Akinwande ever lost. On the other hand, most of his other fights came in places like Kensington, England, against fighters with hyphens in their names.

Still, it’d be just Holyfield’s luck to bring out the best in Akinwande. Holyfield has a habit of tripping over his own robe in this game. His nickname is “the Real Deal,” but it should be “the Raw Deal.”

Holyfield you will remember, is the only fighter in the history of the Olympics to lose his gold-medal chance to a fighter they had to wake up to tell him he won. It was in ’84 and Holyfield had just knocked out the New Zealand fighter named Kevin Barry when the Iron Curtain referee suddenly remembered he had called time at that juncture. They had to carry Barry to the center of the ring to raise his hand.

And then, just as Holyfield was getting into the big money and becoming undisputed champion, some doctors said they discovered he had a “hole in his heart.” Holyfield took his case to a higher court--God--and subsequent examinations showed the problem was these doctors had a hole in their heads.

Another time, Holyfield was fighting Riddick Bowe for the title and more than holding his own when, out of the blue (literally), this guy with a jet pack on his back lands in the ring. After a 25-minute delay, Holyfield was unable to recapture his momentum. Bowe won.

And then, just as Holyfield was getting his career in gear again, he fought a guy who tried to eat him. This was Mike Tyson’s way of getting a “no contest.”

So if Henry Akinwande doesn’t turn in another M.I.A. performance Saturday, Evander Holyfield has another chance at proving he’s the Real Deal after all. All the same, if I were he, I’d try not to break any mirrors, walk under any ladders and I’d cross the street if I saw any black cats coming. Also, it might be a good idea not to hit Akinwande too hard. Henry tends to get his feelings hurt when he gets his nose hurt and he tends to spoil things for everybody.