Punch Lines

Giving Bill the Willeys: A new study shows that women are better at remembering things, while men only think they’re better at remembering things. “Which explains that whole Kathleen Willey and Bill Clinton business.” (Steve Voldseth)

Bruin Season: “The heartbreaking loss by the UCLA women’s basketball team, which was caused by an officiating error in the final 0.8 seconds of the game, would never have occurred in the NBA, where players are allowed to choke a referee until he comes up with the correct call.” (Bob Mills)

R.I.P.: Dr. Spock died at 94. His baby book is responsible for the coddling and spoiling of 70 million baby boomers. “Consistent with his philosophy, Spock will not be buried until he feels like being buried.” (Argus Hamilton)

A Political Gamble: The mayor of Las Vegas has proposed removing slot machines from neighborhood grocery stores--”and prohibiting bank ATM machines from offering double or nothing.” (Mills)

Tale of the Whale: A new version of “Moby Dick” aired on cable TV this week. “You know the story: An obsessed man doggedly pursues an elusive, blubbery beast. No wait, that’s Ken Starr and Bill Clinton.” (Premiere Radio)

Gore-Cam: Critics are slamming Al Gore’s proposal to launch a satellite that would beam back live pictures of the Earth to the Internet. “They’re especially miffed about his plan to place a giant arrow over the U.S. with the message, ‘You are here.’ ” (Mark Wheeler)

Free Willey: Kathleen Willey said that after the president kissed and touched her, she asked him, “Aren’t you afraid someone’s gonna walk in here?” “And Clinton said, ‘No, I gave Monica the rest of the day off.’ ” (Jay Leno)

Speech Writing 101: “Text for Clinton’s next 50 speeches: ‘I did not lie. I did not have sexual relations with (insert name).’ ” (Gordon McRae)

Conspiracy Theory: “The media missed a big story last week on how Clinton flew Air Force One below radar to get into Jim McDougal’s jail cell to silence him once and for all.” (Michael Feldman)

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The Butchered David Letterman:

Top 10 rejected college mascots . . .

9. The University of Miami propeller-scarred manatee

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