Punch Lines

Believe It or Not: The exit reviews are in for Robert Redford’s “The Horse Whisperer.” Women say it’s romantic, touching and inspiring. “Men say, ‘I can’t believe the Sundance Kid made a chick flick.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)

Your Place or Mine: “I thought the last ‘Seinfeld’ should really have been about nothing: no plot or dialogue. But that could have gotten expensive. They would have had to hire the writers from ‘Melrose Place.’ ” (Kaseberg)

Do the Hustle: In New York City, exotic dancers took to the streets protesting new restrictive zoning laws around Times Square. “Local traffic came to a bump and grinding halt.” (Russ Myers)

On-the-Job Training: Jerry Springer’s being accused of having sex with two of his guests: a woman and her stepmother. “And it happened on Take Our Daughters to Work Day.” (Jay Leno)

Flower Power: Martha Stewart and President Clinton will co-host a $5,000-a-plate fund-raising dinner. “Martha will make a beautiful Kenneth Starr spring centerpiece of dried subpoenas flocked with shredded audiotapes.” (Bob Mills)

Size Does Matter: Insurance companies are cracking down on who gets Viagra. “Like you have to prove you need it. When you go in a pharmacy, they have a sign that says, ‘You must be this small.’ ” (Jay Leno)

Word Up: 1970s board-game words overused in headlines: sorry, scandal, monopoly, indictment, life, risk, perjury, trouble, boggle and subpoena. (Eron Shosteck)

Nibble, Nibble: According to the Miami Herald, Marv Albert has been approached to become the new play-by-play announcer for the Miami Heat. “Friends wonder if Marv may be biting off more than he can chew.” (Bob Mills)

Mother of All Mothers: This year’s Mother of the Year crown went to a New York woman with 21 children. “Which, if I’m not mistaken, also qualifies her for the Mrs. Congeniality award.” (Steve Voldseth)

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LAUGH TRACK

Bill Maher on India’s nuclear testing:

“They set off three nuclear devices, joining the nuclear club. We have all sorts of sanctions; Clinton got mad. They did it again, setting off two more bombs, and they said this was the absolute last time. But just to be safe Clinton ordered his intern to stay under the desk.”

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