Punch Lines

Foodies: L.A. is the only place where you can attend a politically correct barbecue. “There’s no grill, no charcoal and no meat. Your host just hands you a raw zucchini and a magnifying glass.” (Russ Myers)

Pagerless Nation: Forty-five million pagers were out of service last week after the Galaxy 4 satellite system fell out of orbit. “See what happens when you make Bill Gates mad?” (Jay Leno)

Twisted Prez: “President Clinton wrenched his back last week, but he’s gonna be fine. Doctors said he’ll be up and out of his pants in no time.” (Leno)

Love, L.A.-Style: “Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were spotted getting cozy in a lounge. Nothing romantic happened because they just kept asking each other if their hair looked OK.” (Conan O’Brien)


Swept Off His Feet: “Strangest story of the month: A man attempting to be intimate with his vacuum cleaner was heard to be yelling, ‘Eureka!’ ” (Leno)

Taj Mahal Tales: “Inside sources claim that India narrowly avoided a tragic nuclear mishap. They were transporting a hydrogen bomb from a top-secret storage facility near Bombay to a remote northern test site when their ox stumbled.” (Jack Woods)


* Hung Jury: “A guy who took Viagra while involved in litigation reported an unusual side effect: The blood rushed to his lawyer.” (Stan Kaplan)

* Up, Up and Away: “Did you hear about the elevator problem in the building where Viagra was created? It keeps going up and never comes down.” (Andrew Wisot)

* Oops: “Another new book about Viagra is about to go on sale. It’s a pop-up book.” (Hugh Burr)

* What do you call Viagra when it doesn’t work? “Viagra Falls.” (Bruce Moody)



Here are the LaLa Land Letter’s suggestions for new wonder drugs for men. “We suggest they come in regular, super and presidential strengths.”

* Directra: This drug makes men ask for directions when they’re lost.

* Projectra: gets guys to finish home-repair projects before starting new ones.

* Buyagra: makes men buy their wives expensive gifts.


* Negasportagra: induces men to turn off the TV and talk with the family.

* Anti-bragra: causes men to stop lying about their sexual prowess.

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.