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Punch Lines

Foodies: L.A. is the only place where you can attend a politically correct barbecue. “There’s no grill, no charcoal and no meat. Your host just hands you a raw zucchini and a magnifying glass.” (Russ Myers)

Pagerless Nation: Forty-five million pagers were out of service last week after the Galaxy 4 satellite system fell out of orbit. “See what happens when you make Bill Gates mad?” (Jay Leno)

Twisted Prez: “President Clinton wrenched his back last week, but he’s gonna be fine. Doctors said he’ll be up and out of his pants in no time.” (Leno)

Love, L.A.-Style: “Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were spotted getting cozy in a lounge. Nothing romantic happened because they just kept asking each other if their hair looked OK.” (Conan O’Brien)

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Swept Off His Feet: “Strangest story of the month: A man attempting to be intimate with his vacuum cleaner was heard to be yelling, ‘Eureka!’ ” (Leno)

Taj Mahal Tales: “Inside sources claim that India narrowly avoided a tragic nuclear mishap. They were transporting a hydrogen bomb from a top-secret storage facility near Bombay to a remote northern test site when their ox stumbled.” (Jack Woods)

THRILL PILL FUNNIES

* Hung Jury: “A guy who took Viagra while involved in litigation reported an unusual side effect: The blood rushed to his lawyer.” (Stan Kaplan)

* Up, Up and Away: “Did you hear about the elevator problem in the building where Viagra was created? It keeps going up and never comes down.” (Andrew Wisot)

* Oops: “Another new book about Viagra is about to go on sale. It’s a pop-up book.” (Hugh Burr)

* What do you call Viagra when it doesn’t work? “Viagra Falls.” (Bruce Moody)

VIAGRA, MOVE OVER

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Here are the LaLa Land Letter’s suggestions for new wonder drugs for men. “We suggest they come in regular, super and presidential strengths.”

* Directra: This drug makes men ask for directions when they’re lost.

* Projectra: gets guys to finish home-repair projects before starting new ones.

* Buyagra: makes men buy their wives expensive gifts.

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* Negasportagra: induces men to turn off the TV and talk with the family.

* Anti-bragra: causes men to stop lying about their sexual prowess.

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.


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