Punch Lines

Suck-Ups: “El Nino will cause a bumper crop of blood-sucking insects in the Southeast, locusts in the Southwest and slugs in the Northwest. Of course, the Midwest and Northeast have enough lawyers already.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Puff-Puff: “Viagra cigarettes are coming out. But only in hard pack.” (Chris Pina)

Pant-Pant: Ex-heavyweight champs George Foreman and Larry Holmes will fight in Las Vegas. “You know someone’s going to break a hip. And whoever wins will be selected official spokesperson for Depends.” (Pina)

Burn, Baby: On this day in 1919, the pop-up toaster was patented. Within the year, the first American burned his tongue while trying to make French toast. (Jerry Perisho)

Now Hear This: Millions of pagers are still on the blink. “Who could have dreamed that one day beepers would be silent and the Secret Service would sing?” (Cortes)

Monicagate: Ken Starr ordered Monica Lewinsky to give him her fingerprints, a voice print, a hair sample and clothing descriptions. “What a deal. Most guys would have to pay $1.99 per minute to get such details.” (Argus Hamilton)

More Monica: Starr wants Lewinsky’s fingerprints? “Can’t he just get them off Clinton’s back?” (Albert Perrotta)

And yet more: “Ken Starr wants Monica Lewinsky’s fingerprints so badly that he’s subpoenaed the patch of floor under the Oval Office desk.” (Buzz Report)

Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’: The world’s largest cruise ship, the Grand Princess, just began its maiden voyage. “It’s the biggest cruiser since Bill Clinton.” (Perotta)

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BAD SEEDS:

As recent events have proved, it’s really difficult to know what is going on in the mind of a troubled teenager. Bob Mills says here are some signs to look for:

* He wears contact lenses with cross-hairs.

* He burns candles to a statue of Charlton Heston.

* He totes a gun rack on his skateboard.

* He dreams of someday working at the post office.

* He gives Christmas presents that tick.

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.