LAUGH LINES

Happy Birthday!: The McCaughey septuplets celebrated their first birthday last week. “I think they’re just spending a quiet day at home with the family,” their grandmother said. “Seven babies and she thinks they had a quiet day at home? I think it’s time to check Grandma’s hearing.” (Premiere Radio)

Speaking of Birthdays: Mickey Mouse turned 70 last week, “setting off memories for everyone. A few years ago, George W. Bush’s daughter asked him for a Mickey Mouse outfit, so he bought her the Texas Rangers.” (Argus Hamilton)

In Theaters Now: “Enemy of the State” opened over the weekend. The movie is a political thriller involving highly technical bugs, satellite tracking and illegal wiretaps. “Wait a minute! It’s the autobiography of Linda Tripp!” (Buzz Report)

Speaking of Linda: On the Tripp tapes, the 1997 American League championships can be heard playing in the background. “Monica is lucky she got immunity. She should get a year in jail for calling to chat during a playoff game.” (Hamilton)

And Speaking of Monica: “Ken Starr is pulling out all the stops. . . . He’s hired Cameron Diaz to model the stained dress.” (David Letterman)

From the Sports Desk: Sammy Sosa won the National League MVP title, beating out home-run king Mark McGwire. “So Sammy led his team to the playoffs. McGwire led the whole league out of the valley of darkness.” (Premiere)

And Speaking of Baseball: The Angels have raised ticket prices by 9%. “I wonder how much it would have been if in the team’s history they had ever appeared in a World Series.” (Gary Easley)

They Got You Babe: Cher will be singing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. “It’s a first for the NFL: A Super Bowl singer with more tattoos than a defensive end.” (Premiere)

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The Essential David Letterman

The top most-dangerous toys:

10. The Hula Noose

9. Professor Saddam’s Li’l Biological Warfare Kit

8. Light-Me-On-Fire Elmo

7. Chutes, Ladders and Open Manhole Covers

5. Rabid Snoopy

4. The “Too-Big-For-My-Windpipe” Jigsaw Puzzle

3. Mr. Potato Head Multiple Outlet Strip

2. Linda Tripp’s “Let’s Tape Daddy” Portable Recorder

1. E-Z Bake Open-Flame Oven

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