Punch Lines

Extra! Extra!: It was 165 years ago this week that the very first newspaper delivery boy was hired. “Before that, people had to toss their own papers in the bushes.”

(Steve Voldseth)

Planters Warning: The Department of Transportation will require airlines to designate “peanut-free zones” on flights after learning that one in 1,000 people is deathly allergic to peanuts. “Sounds like what they need over the Department of Transportation are ‘peanut-head-free’ zones.”

(Johnny Robish)

Dr. Naughty: A New York City doctor has been charged with blindfolding and tying up his girlfriend, and then injecting her with a drug. “It’s the first case of a doctor performing a procedure and not charging for it.” (Bill Williams)

Big Brawl Begins: The NFL season is underway. “It’s that special time of the year when Southlanders can look forward to absolutely no blackouts. Hallejujah.”

(Kenny Noble Cortes)

A Hare Scare: Aaron Spelling was shocked about a Playboy article that features a Q&A; with his daughter, Tori. “No, not over what she said, but because they wanted her in their magazine.” (Andrew Wisot)

The Purple One: There’s apparently a report going around that the Artist formerly Known as Prince got into some kind of scuffle with the group Aqua at a show in Europe. “He got upset when they called him by his other name- “The Artist Formerly Known as Popular.” (Wisot)

The David Letterman Top 10:

Top 10 signs you’ve bought a bootlegged copy of “Titanic”:

10. Instead of Leonardo DiCaprio, it’s some guy named Leocarpo Dinardo.

9. Movie ends: Boat doesn’t sing.

8. You’re pretty sure the original version didn’t include a guy smoking weed.

7. Since when did Celine Dion’s them song begin with “Love, exciting and new”?

6. It’s rated X. And the first three letter of the title are suspiciously capitalized.

5. Stella won’t get into a lifeboat without her groove.

4. In first two minutes of movie, Jack character says, “Hello and welcome to bass masters.”

3. Them ship explodes after its speed falls below 50 miles per hour.

2. You could have sworn Tommy Lee wasn’t in the original.

1. You live in Russia.