Punch Lines

Busman’s Holiday: Police in Arcadia captured an MTA bus allegedly stolen by a transient who drove it along its regular route. “He was an easy find. There were plenty of empty seats, the bus was on time. . . .” (Kenneth I. Bowman)

Off-Base: Technically, Mark McGwire was out after he missed first base during his 62nd home run of the season. He was going directly to second base without stopping at first. “Monica Lewinsky may allow you to do that, but baseball doesn’t.” (Argus Hamilton)

A Big Naughty: The Hindus are mad at Madonna for using holy markings on her face during her MTV awards performance. “Honk if your religion hasn’t been offended by Madonna.” (Daily Scoop)

Catholic Boys: Cardinal John J. O’Connor noted that Mark McGwire, Roger Maris and Babe Ruth all were products of Catholic education. “They weren’t equally strict. When Babe Ruth was 14, he gave up showgirls for Lent.” (Hamilton)

Dash of Spice: Mom-to-be Scary Spice married her boyfriend, Jimmy Gulzar, on Sunday. “They insist they’re in love, but insiders suspect they got married only because there’s a spice cake in the oven.” (Ira Lawson)

Sweet Kiss: “Family Feud” is the latest classic TV game show to be brought back. Scheduled to debut next season, the new version will be hosted by comedian Louie Anderson. “One change: Instead of kissing contestants a la former host Richard Dawson, Anderson will ask for snacks.” (Lawson)

The Polls Made Him Do It: At a prayer breakfast, Bill Clinton confessed that he was a sinner. “Well, of course! He’s a lawyer and a politician.” (Gary Easley)

A Matter of Xs and Ys: Researchers have come up with a procedure that allows parents to plan their baby’s sex. “Now the main problem with two-income families and couples working more hours is planning when to have sex.” (Easley)

www.scandal.com: Kenneth Starr’s report on Clinton has been placed on the Internet. “There are such terrible traffic jams to view the report that AOL now stands for ‘America Obsessed with Lewinsky.’ ” (Joshua Sostrin)

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