BEST OF ’99

1. ICONS, R.I.P.

Wilt. Walter. Joltin’ Joe. Catfish. Pee Wee. Payne. The obituaries were so relentless in ‘99, one was almost afraid to open the Sports section. A safer and sounder 2000? We can only hope.

2. HELMETS, PADS AND HANDCUFFS

Carolina Panther Rae Carruth is charged with conspiring to murder his pregnant girlfriend. Miami Dolphin Cecil Collins is arrested for breaking and entering. Cleveland Brown Orlando Brown assaults a referee. Florida State Heisman hopeful Peter Warrick

gets nabbed in a clothing store discount scam. What was that again about football building character?

3. RINGSIDE ROBBERY

Was the fix in, or were the blinders on, when Lennox Lewis pummeled Evander Holyfield into a highway-robbery “draw” in their first heavyweight title bout in March? Its reputation a shambles, the soured science took another hit six months later when Oscar De La Hoya outboxed Felix Trinidad in their welterweight championship fight, began celebrating early--as early as the 10th round--and was informed he had “lost” moments after the final bell.

4. FIVE-RING CIRCUS

The year’s leading monument to overstaying one’s welcome was International Olympic Committee President Juan Antonio Samaranch, whose response to the outcry over the Olympic bribery scandal was to dump 10 lesser-lights (read: sacrificial lambs) from the IOC, announce a handful of meaningless “reform” measures and inform the U.S. Senate in December: “It is fixed.” The man is a joke. So why is he the only one laughing?

5. UMPIRES STRIKE OUT

It will go down as the most debilitating brain cramp in the history of sports labor negotiations: Richie Phillips, head of the Major League Umpires Assn., leading his lemmings over the cliff by instructing them to submit their resignations--effective Sept. 2--to force the owners to improve the umpires’ basic agreement. Richie, you’re no Jimmy Hoffa. By September, 22 umpires were looking for work.

6. PARKING LOUTS

Handicapped-parking placards for UCLA football players? The contention that many of them played defense for the Bruins ultimately failed to sway the judge.

7. MALPRACTICE ALL AROUND

San Diego teenager Alexandra Stevenson reaches the Wimbledon semifinals, and winds up on Barbara Walters’ show, discussing the newspaper revelation that Julius Erving is her father. The sad saga tarnished everyone it touched--from Dr. J, the absentee parent, to Samantha Stevenson, the attention-craving tennis mom, to the exploitative media, which slavishly turned a privacy issue into a top-of-the-page “news” story.

8. LOST ANGELES

The Angels revolted, then quit on manager Terry Collins, finishing 25 games out of first place. The Dodgers tried to buy the pennant, then couldn’t buy a well-played game, finishing 23 games out of first. The Lakers were swept in the second round of the playoffs, the Ducks in the first. The Clippers were the Clippers, the Kings were the Kings. The Sparks lost in the Western Conference finals. Is there a winner in the house? Well, the Galaxy reached the Major League Soccer championship game, but there it lost too--shut out by D.C. United.

9. HOUSTON 1, L.A. 0

It was so bad, Los Angeles even lost the NFL expansion franchise that was “ours to lose.” Result was the second-worst-case scenario: Stalling and stumbling long enough for Houston to (outlandishly, at $700 million) outbid us. Worst-case scenario: The Raiders coming back.

10. FOOT-IN-MOUTH DEPT.

Somewhere, Jim Gray is wondering, “Why couldn’t John Rocker have said those things during the World Series and got me off the hook?”