LAUGH LINES

Poll Position: Surveys show President Clinton’s post-impeachment approval rating has topped 70%. “Which is pretty amazing when you consider Clinton’s approval rating in his own family is only 50%.” (Jay Leno)

Blowing Smoke: According to a new study, people who quit smoking gain an average of 18 pounds. “So apparently Marlon Brando has already quit 32 times.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Vintage Joke: Legendary California vintner Robert Mondavi has written his memoirs. “It’s actually kind of depressing. Everywhere you look, it’s wine, wine, wine.” (Ira Lawson)

Don’t Tell Mom and Dad: Bill Gates and his wife are expecting their second child in June. “Their first child has already picked out a name for the new baby: Co-Beneficiary.” (Steve Voldseth)

Rev It Up: Toyota announced it is developing a totally new car and new engine with 200 fewer parts. “We already have that technology, don’t we? I think it’s called ‘overnight street parking.’ ” (Voldseth)

Enjoy Yourself: A feature film about the Marquis de Sade is in the works. “The film will run about eight hours, no bathrooms will be available, and each seat will have broken springs poking you sharply in the butt.” (Jerry Perisho)

Scientific Proof: A California professor says he will use Albert Einstein’s complex distribution theory to name 19 actors who guarantee box office success. “He will also use Einstein’s theory of relativity to explain the acting success of Tori Spelling.” (Daily Scoop)