LAUGH LINES

Court’s in Session: One hundred U.S. senators were sworn in as jurors in Clinton’s impeachment trial. “That’s unusual. Normally, they’re sworn at.” (Alan Jay Weiss)

Isn’t Technology Great? Fishermen have solved the problem of dolphins getting tangled in their nets by attaching a device that emits pings. “Hillary Clinton is ordering a similar one for Bill’s pants.” (Morty Wright)

That’s Scary: Elizabeth Dole is considering a run for the presidency. “And the only skeleton in her closet still has some flesh on it--Bob’s.” (Bill Williams)

Nothing but Net: John Thompson has resigned after 27 years as basketball coach of the Georgetown Hoyas. “This is the first resignation in Washington, D.C., in the last two months that didn’t involve a sex scandal.” (The Daily Scoop)

Off the Court: The NBA lockout is over. ‘The players and owners finally see eye to eye. Of course, the owners had to get on stepladders.” (Daily Scoop)

Rebound: NBA players are preparing for the start of the season. “Some NBA players are so out of shape that they’ve actually been mistaken for major league baseball players.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Bow Wow!: The FDA approved an antidepressant for dogs. “Finally, a product tested on humans before being approved for animals.” (Gary Moore)

Next!: The price of a stamp has gone up to 33 cents. “That’s a helluva deal. . . . By the time the letter gets where it’s going, it’s less than a penny a day.” (Jay Leno)

Biting: The Justice Department has accused the nation’s largest manufacturer of dentures of maintaining a monopoly. “Getting the cash-strapped company to pay any fines will be like pulling teeth.” (Ira Lawson)

Makes Sense: A 19-year-old was arrested after sneaking into Brad Pitt’s house. “Turns out she just wanted her money back from ‘Meet Joe Black.’ ” (Leno)

Tune in Next Time: “Touched by an Angel” was the No. 1 show on TV last week. “The bad news for the show? God now wants a 300% increase in salary for next season.” (Daily Scoop)

More TV Times: Astronomers theorize that the universe contains so-called “ghost galaxies” with few stars and dense matter. “Much like UPN.” (Daily Scoop)

Shameful: Actor Iron Eyes Cody may have really been an Italian American and not an American Indian. “Cody was so convincing, he got exploited by the white man.” (Daily Scoop)

*

The Essential

David Letterman

Things you don’t want to hear in a huddle:

8. “I haven’t been this drunk since college.”

7. “Hold me.”

4. “A little lower . . . ah, that’s it.”

2. “Did anyone lose a tongue?”

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