LAUGH LINES

Word Up: President Clinton was exonerated by a DNA test proving he didn’t father a teenage boy in Arkansas. “He’s been called many names over the years, but exonerated isn’t one of them.” (Argus Hamilton)

How’s the Weather: It’s been confirmed that 1998 was the warmest year on record and that it could get even hotter in 1999. “Which is something President Clinton’s known all along.” (Ira Lawson)

A Higher Power: Elizabeth Dole says she’s praying to figure out whether to run for president. “After hearing this, Bob Dole said, ‘I hope she’s praying to a different God than the guy who told me to run.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

He Shoots . . . : Former NBA star Bill Bradley declared he’s running for president. “There’s only one way he can match President Clinton’s record in the White House: Vice President Wilt Chamberlain.” (Jerry Perisho)

Time Out: Michael Jordan announced he’s retiring from the NBA. “You know the NBA’s in trouble when even the players don’t want to go to the games.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Think About It: The National Security Agency banned Furbys from its buildings because of the risk the dolls could record what’s said in the office. “Does it make you feel safe knowing the people in charge of our security like playing with dolls?” (Daily Scoop)

A Bad Tripp: Linda Tripp was named one of the worst-dressed women of 1998. “Apparently she was singled out because her shoes never match her recording device.” (O’Brien)

A Bad Tripp II: “Even more embarrassing, she also was on the list of worst-dressed men.” (Paul Steinberg)

From Zero to Zero in 10 Seconds: Swedish auto-maker Volvo is in talks to take over Italian auto-maker Fiat. “They say their goal is to create the world’s safest nonfunctioning car.” (Steve Voldseth)

Bring Down the Curtain: An appeals court has blocked Sony from making James Bond movies. “If the courts can stop Bond movies from being made, why can’t they do anything about ‘Avengers’ movies?” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Semantics: In an interview, Carmen Electra said she and Dennis Rodman are still married, but they live in different houses, virtually never see each other and apparently have not had sex since the wedding. “Or, as Michael Jackson calls it, ‘a traditional, old-fashioned marriage.’ ” (Jay Leno)

Semantics II: “In fact, Carmen legally changed her name to Hillary Rodham Electra.” (Voldseth)

On the Tube: Andy Rooney has turned 80. “So ’60 Minutes’ is renaming his segment. It’ll be ‘A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney and Then Visiting Hours Are Over.’ ” (Voldseth)

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