It’s the ‘Chicken Soup’ Books, Stupid

Book Overdose Bureau: President Clinton’s State of the Union speech was a disaster, mainly because he failed to address the No. 1 problem of the 1990s, which is the proliferation of “Chicken Soup,” “Dummies” and “Idiot’s Guide” books. Among the latest examples: “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Breathing,” “Heart Bypass Surgery for Dummies” and “Chicken Soup for the Inflatable Sex Doll’s Soul.”

The situation is so out of control that in the time it took you to read the above paragraph, 2,000 more titles were added to the list.

We were hoping Clinton would outlaw the practice. But since he rarely listens to us, we’ve decided to cash in on the trend with our own bestseller (suggested by friend Dennis Arp): “Chicken Soup for Dummies.”

Lunatic Fringe Alert: A Los Angeles psychic claims that Humphrey Bogart is negotiating for world peace from beyond the grave. The dead actor is aiming his diplomatic skills at Saddam Hussein and Moammar Kadafi.

Weird Polls Bureau: In a recent celebrity survey sponsored by Alize beverages, former “Let’s Make a Deal” host Monty Hall said the person he’d most like to have brunch with is Moses, so he could ask him how he parted the Red Sea.

No need, Monty. It’s all explained in the new book, “Parting Bodies of Water for Dummies.”

Idiot’s Guide to Journalism: Here at Off-Kilter, we are proud of our tradition of accurate, responsible journalism. Each fact is checked and double-checked before we ship it overseas to be assembled into story form. (We use foreign labor to cut production costs and stay competitive with other columnists.)

Once that process is complete, a team of editors reviews the story and removes any material deemed libelous, offensive, false or interesting.

Too bad other journalists aren’t as scrupulous. For example, the Miami Herald recently printed a front-page article about a German shepherd named Gunther IV who inherited $200 million from a countess and offered to buy Sylvester Stallone’s Florida mansion.

As it turns out, Gunther IV ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog. The story was a hoax. The Herald, the Times of London and numerous other media outlets all were suckered. Even the Guinness Book of Records was fooled several years ago into listing Gunther as the world’s richest dog.

Fortunately, we would never publish a story like this. And if we did, we wouldn’t have said that we were interested in marrying Gunther IV. And if we did say we were interested in wedding the dog, we wouldn’t quietly call off the engagement after the story was proved bogus and then try to distract your attention from it by criticizing the Miami Herald.

No, if we wanted to distract your attention from something, we’d bomb Iraq. Preferably right after Humphrey Bogart had lulled Saddam Hussein into submission.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Computer Virus Now Infecting Humans! Brain-Eating Bug Could Be Worse Than AIDS, Doctors Fear” (Weekly World News)

Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informants: Allie Borden, Wireless Flash News, Rob Wishart, Washington Post. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.