LAUGH LINES

That Can’t Be Healthy II: Doctors recently voted to form a union. “I’m on the operating table. I don’t want to hear the shop steward saying, ‘Slow down, you’re making the other surgeons look bad.’ ” (Michael Feldman)

On the Campaign Trail: Tipper Gore said she majored in photography in college and will be taking along a camera to capture her husband as he runs for president. “She must really love still-lifes.” (Argus Hamilton)

That Is a Good Idea: Steven Seagal is coming out with his own CD. “Perhaps he can get some tips from other actors-turned-superstar-singers like Philip Michael Thomas, Bruce Willis and Don Johnson.” (Andrew Wisot)

That Is a Good Idea II: “Steven Seagal said in an interview he’s only gonna play what’s in his head. So I guess that’ll be rock music.” (Jay Leno)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Things you don’t want to hear from your Little League umpire:

10. “You better hit a home run, kid--I got 50 grand riding on this game.”

9. “Strikes are the ones in the middle, right?”

6. “Hey, is your mom single?”

4. “Does this padding make me look fat?”

3. “Hey, watch it with the foul tips--I got a fifth of bourbon in my hip picket.”

2. “Gooooooooaaaaaal!”

1. “Let’s hurry this up--I don’t want to be here when they find the real umpire.”

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