Now Jazz Must (Pick and) Roll With Punches

Bernie Lincicome writing in the Chicago Tribune: “Let’s not let the Utah Jazz go without a moment of polite silence. No snickers, please. This is serious. The hearse is passing.

” . . . You have to feel a little sorry for the folks out in Utah, who have had at least the comfort of losing to Michael Jordan.

“But being trounced by the likes of Isaiah Rider and Rasheed Wallace is like losing your lunch money to the punks.

” . . . The Jazz is the Apollo 13 of basketball teams. The moon was right out the window and Utah never got there.”

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Trivia time: Who was the first center in NBA history to get more than 400 assists in a season, the first to get more than 500, the first with 600, and the first to surpass 700?

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Crude characters: Bill Lyon in the Philadelphia Inquirer: “Pro wrestling has an appeal to children that is frightening. The allure is understandable--extravagantly oversized men and women in exotic and bizarre costumes, strutting and preening and committing acts of random violence and rage--they are cartoon characters come to life.

“But there is an important difference. Superman and Batman and the rest of them are not crude and lewd. They don’t have suggestive nicknames and pornographic routines. They don’t debase, ogle and humiliate women. They don’t lead the audience in chanting vulgarities.”

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Invalid excuse: Kansas City Royal first baseman Jeff King recently retired, explaining that his heart was no longer in the game.

Jeff Gordon of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch: “Since when did that stop a ballplayer?”

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The Caray file: In his new book, “Where’s Harry?” veteran Cub broadcaster Steve Stone fondly recalls his late partner’s mangling of players’ names.

In mentioning NBA star Michael Jordan’s reluctance to visit the WGN booth, Stone quotes Jordan as saying:

“I love Harry, but I don’t want to go on the air and have him introduce me as Michael Jackson.”

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Golden arms: Steve Hummer of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution commenting on the Kevin Brown-Greg Maddux pitching matchup Sunday:

“Maddux vs. Brown, $21.3 million in arm appeal. Their combined annual salaries would feed and house all the Florida Marlins (payroll: $18.9 million) with enough left over to buy them a very nice team yacht.”

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Hitters dominate: Ron Rapoport in the Chicago Sun-Times: “How much of an offensive explosion has there been in the majors so far this season?

“Bill Madden of the New York Daily News has done the math: Runs are up 7.5%, hits are up 6.9%, home runs are up 14.9%, grand slams are up 24% to a record pace of one a day.”

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Shaky prediction: Dwight Jaynes of the the Portland Oregonian predicted that the Trail Blazers would beat San Antonio in six games in their Western Conference playoff series.

If so, they need to win four games, while trailing, 2-0, in the series that resumes Friday at Portland.

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Ouch! Greg Cote in the Miami Herald: “It’s good that Mike Tyson has been granted parole. More steps like this must be taken to make our prisons safer places.”

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FYI: The Lakers hold the NBA playoff record for consecutive victories with 13 in the 1988-89 season.

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Trivia answer: Wilt Chamberlain in all categories.

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And finally: An avid chef, Ted Williams tells Molly O’Neill in the New York Times he once grilled a steak for pitcher Waite Hoyt, but made Waite wait until he was so hungry, he wolfed it down.

“I say to him, ‘You like the alligator?’ And he gets sorta pale,” Ted said.