Only Thing More Annoying Than Tweety Bird Is This Pet VIP List

Pet Peeves Bureau: People are going crazy compiling lists of landmark events, personalities and achievements from the past 100 or 1,000 years.

The list of lists includes everything from surveys of the top 100 books and news events to Time magazine polls on the Person of the Century, Invention of the Century and even Bacteria of the Century (a tie between E. coli, salmonella and Rep. Bob Barr of Georgia).

OK, we made up the last one, but just about every other category has been covered.

Now, the American Pet Products Manufacturers Assn. has weighed in with a list of the most influential pets of the millennium. Starting at No. 10 and counting down, they are Elsa the lion (from “Born Free”), ex-White House dog Millie (who also wrote a book), Mr. Ed, Tweety Bird, the Budweiser lizards, the Taco Bell Chihuahua, Eddie (from “Frasier”), Arnold the pig (from “Green Acres”), Snoopy and Lassie. (Mr. Bigglesworth from “Austin Powers” ranked 27th.)

Naturally, we have several objections. For example, although we deeply admire the Taco Bell Chihuahua’s contributions to society, he is not technically a pet. Ditto for the Budweiser lizards and Elsa the lion. We would replace them with Astro (from “The Jetsons”), Scooby-Doo and Old Yeller.

Also, we have problems with honoring Mr. Ed and Lassie when they are clearly rip-offs of Francis the Talking Mule and Rin Tin Tin. And Richard Nixon’s dog Checkers wielded more political clout than Millie, so we’d change that, too.

Tweety gets disqualified simply for being annoying. But we’re not sure whom to substitute. One person suggested Hobbes the tiger, but we argued that he’s only alive in Calvin’s mind. We also considered Dino Flintstone, but he lived in prehistoric times and thus wouldn’t qualify. Other ideas include Mrs. O’Leary’s cow (which started the Chicago fire by kicking over the lantern), Trigger (Roy Rogers’ horse) and King Kong.

We also think it’s important to include pets from before this century, but the only one we could think of was Paul Revere’s horse. We’re open to reader suggestions.

21st Century Toilet Paper: For quite some time, we’ve been bothered by the fact that toilet paper is manufactured in a manner that doesn’t allow the fibers to form into three-dimensional patterns that uniquely generate a pillowy sheet texture. We know you share this concern, and that’s why we’re pleased to report that Charmin has rolled out a product that corrects this deficiency.

According to a press release, New Charmin is made with “a proprietary, state-of-the-art technology that blows warm air through the sheets, allowing the fibers to form into three-dimensional patterns that uniquely generate strength, absorbency, thickness and a pillowy sheet texture.”

It’s about time, because we were at the end of our rope with that dull, two-dimensional two-ply stuff. Charmin is so proud that it’s bringing Mr. Whipple out of retirement to promote it.

Alarming Trends Bureau: Wayne Newton has been named an honorary Green Beret.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Story: The Elvis mystery deepens. The Weekly World News, which broke the story that Presley was alive, then recently declared him officially dead, has now uncovered a new twist: “Elvis Dug Up--And It Isn’t Him! DNA Tests Prove Corpse in Coffin Isn’t Presley’s!” We’ll keep you posted.

Unpaid Informants: PR Newswire, Ann Harrison. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.