The Nifty 50 for Oscar Night

Fifty things I’d like to see on Oscar night:

1. Cate Blanchett yells, “I’m queen of the world!”

2. An announcement is made by Roberto Benigni that he will next star in “The Godfather, Part IV” as illegitimate son Loony Corleone.

3. A one-armed push-up by James Coburn.

4. “Accepting the award on behalf of Kathy Bates . . . the star of ‘Primary Colors,’ William Jefferson Clinton!”

5. Sir Ian McKellen’s surprise revelation that he intends to change his name to Billy Bob.

6. An actor or actress outside the pavilion stiffs Geena Davis by saying, “You damn media people.”

7. Warren Beatty raps best song.

8. A shock goes through the audience as presenters Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman appear nude.

9. Tom Hanks thanks the academy for next year’s nomination.

10. Three judges declare the best actor fight a draw.

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11. Meryl Streep accepts an award using an American accent.

12. Benigni wins best animated short subject.

13. In the upcoming sequel, Gwyneth Paltrow reveals, Shakespeare stabs her, blows up a theater and gets into a car chase.

14. “Out of Sight” is mentioned as a movie made about Newt Gingrich.

15. Beatty and Celine Dion rap.

16. “Shakespeare in Love” director John Madden discusses his years coaching the Oakland Raiders.

17. Pin on Jim Carrey’s tux: I FINISHED 6TH.

18. Benigni kisses Steven Spielberg’s feet, Helen Hunt’s hand, Nick Nolte’s nose, Edward Norton’s cheeks, Whoopi Goldberg’s hair and Babe the pig’s tail.

19. A musical medley of Oscar-winning songs that you haven’t heard since.

20. James Cameron reminds “Elizabeth” director Shekhar Kapur that kings beat queens.

21. Any actress on where she got her dress: “Nordstrom.”

22. A confused Benigni alludes in his speech to Steven Goldberg and Whoopi Spielberg.

23. Beatty and Goldberg rap.

24. President Clinton says, “I did not see that movie starring those women, Hilary and Jackie.”

25. Telecast runs long--5 1/2 to six hours. In other words, just a few minutes shorter than “The Horse Whisperer.”

26. Explanation is given to audience why films about William Shakespeare and Queen Elizabeth aren’t foreign.

27. “Here to present the award for best short subject--Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra.”

28. ABC shows clips of films starring Benigni, Fernanda Montenegro and Adam Sandler, complete with subtitles.

29. Program opens with Cuba Gooding Jr. still finishing 1997 speech.

30. Now that he’s made films about a man who drinks himself to death (“Leaving Las Vegas”), a man who takes another man’s face off (“Face/Off”) and a man who kills men who kill women (“8mm”), Oscar-winning actor Nicolas Cage says maybe he’ll try a dark subject next.

31. Benigni thanks everybody, including Dorothy Chandler.

32. “Psycho” wins best screenplay adapted without changing a word of another screenplay.

33. Explanation is finally given to audience on what best sound means--movie we could hear over guy seated behind us.

34. The real Private Ryan shows up, says whole story’s a crock.

35. “Deep Impact” wins best special effect we’d really like to see. (Most of the East Coast destroyed.)

36. President Clinton confirms that, yes, if a comet did attack Earth, he probably would indeed tell a blond TV babe first.

37. Nobody mentions Tibet.

38. Benigni says OK, now that Keaton, Kilmer and Clooney have done it, he will be happy to be Batman.

39. “Accepting on behalf of ‘A Civil Action’ . . . O.J. Simpson.”

40. Anne Heche discusses “6 Days, 7 Nights” and what she did with her free day.

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41. Big debate after show on which is harder to watch--first 30 minutes of “Saving Private Ryan” or first 30 seconds of a Joan Rivers interview.

42. Ice-T, Ice Cube, Ice Beatty rap.

43. Terrence Malick tells press he’s begun work on his next film, scheduled to begin shooting in summer of 2019.

44. Best makeup: “American History X” arms and heads.

45. Best documentary: “Primary Colors.”

46. Best song: “I Don’t Think This Movie Will Ever Be Over,” from “Meet Joe Black.”

47. Toughest thing to do: Trying to remember which movie was “Ronin” and which one was “Mulan.”

48. Lifetime achievement award before becoming a ham sandwich: Babe.

49. Benigni gets mixed up again, alludes to Irving Goldberg and Whoopi Thalberg.

50. End of Benigni’s speech: “You like me! You really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really like me!”

Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles CA 90053. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com.