LAUGH LINES

On the Campaign Trail: In a speech, Dan Quayle denounced lawyers who sue schools. “Which is really surprising because if anyone should have sued his school, it’s Dan Quayle.” (Conan O’Brien)

On the Campaign Trail II: The Wall Street Journal reports that rumors are flying about Texas Gov. George W. Bush being high at his father’s presidential inaugural. “This is so ridiculous. The only time anyone in the Bush family has ever been high was when they picked Dan Quayle as vice president.” (Jay Leno)

A Different Kind of Force: Millions called in sick and went to the new “Star Wars” movie instead. “In fact, in honor of ‘Star Wars,’ NATO stopped bombing the wrong targets.” (David Letterman)

We Apologize in Advance: Pasadena police headquarters was recently overrun with thousands of bees. “It was a police sting operation.” (Gary Easley)

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The Essential David Letterman

Ways to mispronounce Ehud Barak:

8. Barakman Turner Overdrive

5. Chewbaraka

4. Ehuddi and the Barakfish

3. Johan Sebastian Barak

1. Bob Barker

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