Of Courtrooms, Onions and Roosters

In the late 1980s, Kent Bridwell was a commissioner of the Superior Court, during which time he collected the following colorful typos and offbeat declarations:

* “As to those statements which express an onion. . . .”

* “When a recess was called in Courtroom 81, I immediately left the courtroom and checked the rooster. . . .”

* “Notice of motion and order . . . requiring defendant . . . and his counsel (whoever has the guts to show up and admit to being same) to pay expenses of proponent of deposition. . . .”

* “The use of hypnosis in combination with electronics caused the petitioner to suffer perceptible changes to his mental behavior, including an increased ability to tell or relate to others humorous anecdotes and the desire to mimic the smile of Gen. Patton as portrayed by actor George C. Scott. . . . “

* “Plaintiffs then give bullshit discovery responses tantamount to a refusal to engage in discovery. . . .”

Bridwell says that “the incautious attorney” who wrote this last sentence “was held in contempt and fined $500.” And probably did not mimic the smile of Gen. Patton afterward.

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NOT A MERCEDES IN SIGHT: The other day I showed you a photo of a stretch of Wilshire Boulevard in Arizona. Now Joan-Carol Bensen of Woodland Hills sends along a snapshot of rugged Beverly Hills Adjacent--in Nevada.

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WILL CASEY KASEM DO THE COUNTDOWN? With help from some music critics, New York Times columnist Gail Collins compiled the first Top 10 Tunes of the Millennium list I’ve seen (and just in the nick of time). Without further ado:

1. “Ave Maria”

2. Brahms’ “Lullaby”

3. “La Donna e Mobile”

4. “Greensleeves”

5. “Happy Birthday”

6. “La Marseillaise”

7. “A Mighty Fortress Is Our God”

8. “L’Homme Arme”

9. “Oh! Susanna”

10. “Louie, Louie”

“Louie, Louie,” which is about a lovesick Jamaican sailor--or was it a lovesick Canadian lumberjack or a lovesick Russian meat-cutter?--was written by Jefferson High grad Richard Berry. During the era of Vietnam War protests, the FBI, using sophisticated equipment, spent two years investigating the allegedly subversive lyrics (backward and forward) of the 1963 version by the Kingsmen. The agency concluded that the song was “unintelligible at any speed.”

I think it should be no lower than No. 8 on the millennium list. Of course, that’s just my onion.

miscelLAny:

The holiday season is here so it’s time for this column’s annual public service announcement: Be leery of merchants who try to convince you that round, orange, gourd-like fruits are actually Christmas trees (see photo).

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Steve Harvey can be reached by mail at (800) LATIMES (Ext. 77083), by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053 and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.