How Do You Spell ‘Ridiculous’?

For weeks now, I have been dying to write a column about that goofy TV game show, “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”

You know . . . the program that some of us in the audience think of as “Jeopardy for Dummies.”

No doubt about it, this show is a huge hit with viewers ages 5 to 105. That is true in part because many of its questions can be answered by viewers age 5.

Regis Philbin is the host, and part of Regis’ job is to ask after every question: “Is that your final answer?” I believe Regis asks this question because it is a more difficult question to answer than the actual question.

My favorite moment came when a woman won a nice bundle of money for knowing that the capital of Illinois is not Chicago.

That’s right . . . this program’s test of knowledge for contestants includes their knowing the state capitals.

Maybe they’ll be asked the alphabet next.

“Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” is a quiz show with the most ridiculous questions I have ever heard, including the title.

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On June 7, 1955, a program called “The $64,000 Question” made its debut on CBS. It almost immediately knocked off “I Love Lucy” as the top-rated show on television.

A jockey named Billy Pearson won $64,000. So did psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers, who later won another 70 grand on a spinoff called “The $64,000 Challenge.”

An 11-year-old boy, Robert Strom, appeared on both programs and took home a total of $224,000.

So even then, it was possible for folks from all walks of life to get paid for not being stupid.

However, contestants on “$64,000” never got to choose from four possible answers, as they do on ABC’s “Millionaire” thing. Nor did they get to phone for help, poll the studio audience or reduce their choices from four to two.

(Note to schoolteachers: For your next test, try letting your students “phone a friend.” If your kids aren’t smart, maybe their friends are.)

It took me a while to realize that “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” doesn’t expect its contestants to be intellectuals. On the contrary, it is more important to have a comprehensive knowledge of which motion pictures star Kevin Costner.

That was an actual question. A contestant was chosen by virtue of being the fastest to list four Costner movies in the order in which they were made.

(Note to schoolteachers: Forget that math and science nonsense. Your class needs to know more important things, such as if “Waterworld” came out before or after “Dances With Wolves.”)

Back in the 1950s, a $70-a-week civil servant named Teddy Nadler won $252,000 on quiz shows because he reportedly memorized an encyclopedia. Whereas I keep waiting for Regis Philbin to ask: “What is an encyclopedia?

“(a) A book. (b) A bug. (c) A squid. (d) A person who rides an encyclo.”

On the old “$64,000 Question,” a player had to choose a category of expertise. There was a New York cop who won 16 grand with his knowledge of William Shakespeare. A cop on Regis Philbin’s show would be asked if Shakespeare’s girlfriend was Gwyneth Paltrow.

Dr. Brothers’ category was boxing. I haven’t a clue why a psychologist would know so much about boxers, although I do know that all boxers should know a psychologist.

One reason I kept watching “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” was because I was eager to see what a brain-buster the final million-dollar question would be. I expected Regis to ask a question about quantum physics, or about how many trypanosomes causing sleeping sickness are carried by a Central African tsetse fly.

Instead, a guy won $1 million for knowing that Richard Nixon appeared on the television program “Laugh-In.”

Yes, this is a TV show that pays big money for knowledge about TV shows.

(Note to schoolteachers: Be sure to test your class next week on history, geography and which president played the saxophone on “The Arsenio Hall Show.”)

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I know many of you are sorry that Regis Philbin’s show is temporarily off the air, so here are a few of the questions you’ll probably be seeing on next season’s “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” shows:

* “Which animal rhymes with bat? (a) Cat. (b) Dog. (c) Hippopotamus. (d) Kevin Costner.”

* “Which letter immediately follows A and B? (a) A. (b) B. (c) C. (d) Z.”

* “How many little lambs did Mary have? (a) A lamb. (b) A couple of lambs. (c) A million lambs. (d) No lambs. Three little pigs and a big, bad wolf.”

* “In which state is New York City? (a) New York state. (b) New England state. (c) Chicago state. (d) That Empire Building.”

* “Who painted Picasso’s paintings? (a) Picasso. (b) Mrs. Picasso. (c) Rembrandt. (d) Some guy named Art.”

* “Which of these came first? (a) ‘Laugh-In.’ (b) ‘The $64,000 Question.’ (c) ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?’ (d) The War of 1812.”

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Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com.