LAUGH LINES

It’s a Pickle: It’s possible that the Yankees and the Mets will meet in a subway World Series. “Then Hillary, boy, she’d be in trouble then, because Hillary wouldn’t know who to pretend to root for.” (David Letterman)

Scandal du Jour: “Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura’s controversy this week involves an interview he gave Playboy magazine, in which--get this--he made several outrageous statements.” (Jon Stewart)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Ways the country would be different if Arnold Schwarzenegger were president:

10. State of Maryland converted to weight room.

9. Social Security benefits tied to how much you can squat.

7. On Easter, children search White House lawn for invisible alien predators.

5. Eagle on presidential seal would be a lot more “ripped.”

4. President throws out first ball; catcher sustains season-ending injury.

2. Saddam Hussein appears on TV with busted lip to announce full compliance with U.N.

1. Goodbye Arbor Day, hello Bicep Day.

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