COLLEGE FOOTBALL : When Two Heads Aren’t Better Than One

Somebody has to stop the two-quarterback madness that has spread to some of our nation’s finest campuses.

That somebody is going to be me.

Florida Coach Steve Spurrier started this recent spate with his diabolical play-to-play quarterback rotation, but he’s Spurrier and you’re not, so let’s hope this is a passing fad.

And even Spurrier stopped the in-and-out nonsense this season by sticking with Doug Johnson.

“Seems like every time I pick up a paper, I’m reading about a two-quarterback rotation,” Michigan Coach Lloyd Carr said this week.

Lloyd, cancel your subscriptions.

The last watchable “platoon” was directed by Oliver Stone.

Ohio State Coach John Cooper, who will ferry the tag team of Austin Moherman and Steve Bellisari against UCLA on Saturday, says all he’s trying to do is win football games.

The Buckeyes are 0-1.

“For a while they thought you were crazy if you played two quarterbacks,” Cooper said. “Now, that might be the thing of the future.”

Cooper should know better.

In 1996, he milked the Stanley Jackson-Joe Germaine combination to a 10-0 record, Germaine coming off the bench. For the all-important Michigan game, however, he started Germaine and lost. In the Rose Bowl, Jackson started, but Germaine was named the game’s most valuable player.

The next season, Jackson remained the starter, only this time Cooper stuck with Jackson as the starter against Michigan. And lost.

Last year, with Jackson gone and Germaine the full-time starter, Ohio State finally beat Michigan.

The last quarterback rotation that worked was Bob Waterfield and Norm Van Brocklin with the Los Angeles Rams.

Anyone remember the San Francisco 49ers rotating Joe Montana and Steve Young during the playoffs on those consecutive Super Bowl runs in the late 1980s?

Platoon theory has made me weary, so I’m stepping in to make the tough calls the big-time coaches won’t.

* Michigan: Tom Brady or Drew Henson. This is lunacy. Carr is throwing Henson a bone because the sophomore, the hottest recruit in Michigan history, has an out clause in his scholarship: a lucrative baseball career with the New York Yankees. Carr has created unnecessary controversy. Brady, a fifth-year senior, proved Saturday against Notre Dame he deserves to be the starter and the finisher. If Henson can’t wait until he’s a junior to take over, well, wait until he sees how impatient Mr. Steinbrenner can be.

* Penn State: Kevin Thompson or Rashard Casey. Joe Paterno plays a dangerous game here with a possible national title at stake. He likes Thompson as the starter; the rest of us make the case for Casey. Joe, give those glasses a wipe and see the light: Casey is the man.

* Nebraska: Bobby Newcombe or Eric Crouch. You call this cohesion? Crouch had to dispel reports he was quitting the team after Coach Frank Solich named Newcombe the starter for last week’s opener against Iowa. Then Crouch had to bail Nebraska out after Newcombe’s three first-half turnovers.

A tough call, but that’s why we get paid. Newcombe is the more dynamic player but is injury prone. Start Newcombe and play him until he drops. If he doesn’t, the Cornhuskers might win the national title. If he does get injured, they still have Crouch.

* Arizona: Keith Smith or Ortege Jenkins. Dick Tomey made this work last year, but that was BPS (before Penn State). Sunday, Jenkins rescued Smith from a 25-7 hole against Texas Christian only to watch Smith take over for the game-winning drive.

Inexplicable.

Tomey is torn, because both are good, but he should play Jenkins.

* California: Sam Clemons or Kyle Boller. Tom Holmoe started the inexperienced Clemons last week against Rutgers, but this is a charade. The reason the hotshot Boller went to Cal instead of UCLA and others was because he could start as a freshman. Boller ended up rescuing the Bears against Rutgers, and Holmoe would be wise to start Boller’s NFL clock ticking now.

* Ohio State: Moherman or Bellisari. Neither looked worthy against Miami. Moherman threw two interceptions and Bellisari fumbled a center snap. Moherman is the better passer, Bellisari the better athlete. Cooper faced the same quandary with Germaine and Jackson, and Germaine proved he deserved the nod then. We say go with Moherman.

* UCLA: Drew Bennett or Cory Paus. So, again, why did J.P. Losman transfer? Bennett’s passes are better suited for skeet shooting at Whittier Narrows, while a local columnist is comparing Paus to a young Cade McNown. Well, then, by all means, start the story on Cory.

* Texas: This isn’t a two-platoon system yet . . . but sophomore Major Applewhite is the only quarterback in America who can throw for 353 yards in three quarters and still be looking over his shoulder. With Papa Phil glad-handing in the stands, freshman Chris Simms made his debut in mop-up duty against Stanford. Anyone think Simms is going to wait three years for Applewhite to graduate?

Texas Coach Mack Brown needs to resist the pressure to play Simms and stick with the Major.

There, what was so hard about that?

WAKING UP THE ECHOES . . .A WORK IN PROGRESS

Notre Dame Coach Bob Davie appears to have made a brilliant hire in Kevin Rogers, who succeeds “Oh No!” Jim Colletto as Irish offensive coordinator.

Rogers, who coached Donovan McNabb at Syracuse last year, has jump-started the Notre Dame offense and looks the perfect fit for Jarious Jackson’s option skills.

Despite the 26-22 defeat last weekend in Ann Arbor, Notre Dame totaled 396 yards against Michigan while Rogers’ play-calling kept the Wolverines off balance all day.

Rogers set the tone for the new era when, on third and goal at the Michigan four in the second quarter, he called a reverse to Joey Getherall, who scored easily. Not one Michigan defender or 111,523 home fans saw it coming.

Michigan Coach Carr was more than happy to see Rogers go.

“I’m sick and tired of him,” Carr said. “I wish he’d get the hell out of here.”

Carr meant that as a compliment.

TECH DIFFICULTIES

It’s never too early to look for schools that might muck up this year’s bowl championship series rankings formula.

Our September pick: Virginia Tech.

Last year, Kansas State could have finished unbeaten and been denied a place in the national championship game had Tennessee and UCLA also finished undefeated. The BCS avoided the nightmare when UCLA and Kansas State lost Dec. 5, setting up the Tennessee-Florida State final.

This year, Virginia Tech may be the BCS party crasher.

Assuming the Hokies can survive the injury to freshman quarterback Michael Vick, they have a good shot of going 11-0 yet not finishing either first or second in the BCS standings.

Why? Virginia Tech is in the Big East, the weakest of the BCS bowl-guaranteed conferences, and plays a tepid nonconference slate of James Madison, Alabama Birmingham and Clemson. The only “juice” games on the board are at Virginia on Oct. 2 and a Nov. 13 home showdown against Miami.

Given the strength-of-schedule component in the BCS rankings, Virginia Tech could finish unbeaten and easily get squeezed out by a one-loss Florida or Penn State.

Wouldn’t it be great?

TWO-MINUTE DRILL

Does anybody understand the taunting rule? Saturday, Notre Dame’s Getherall waggles his finger all the way into the end zone on a reverse and is not cited, yet teammate Bobby Brown is penalized for a fairly innocuous Mickey Mouse hand gesture to the fans after his two-point conversation gave the Irish a 22-19 lead over Michigan. The 15-yard penalty was a killer, as it allowed Michigan to return a short kickoff to its own 42, where it mounted the winning drive.

The field cops simply need to make distinctions: Ripping your helmet off and doing the Funky Chicken in your opponent’s face should be called, but not ticky-tack stuff.

And you thought the BCS formula was complicated now. Consider the alternative: When the BCS decided to add five new computer rankings to the formula, bringing the total to eight, MIT math whiz and rankings master Jeff Sagarin suggested deducing “the geometric mean” of the eight rankings to get a point total. Thank goodness, BCS boss Roy Kramer opted for throwing out the worst ranking each week and dividing the total of the others by seven.

Ka-ching dept.: Don’t be surprised if all Division I-A teams are playing 12-game schedules by 2005. The NCAA is doing away with “extra” games such as the Kickoff Classic beginning in 2002 in favor of allowing schools to play 12 games in years when there is an extra Saturday on the fall schedule: Problem: There is an extra Saturday only four years between 2002 and 2020, which probably will prompt administrators to open the 12-game revenue floodgates for all seasons.

Notre Dame’s defeat against Michigan was a blow to numerology freaks who saw significance in the fact the Irish won national titles in 1966, ’77 and ’88.

Just wondering. In the wake of South Carolina’s shutout loss to North Carolina State, will Coach Lou Holtz fire his first-year offensive coordinator, son Skip, or merely ground him for a week?