A Way to Upgrade LAPD’s Computers

A press release about author Diane Shah’s coming speech before a Hollywood improvement group identifies her as co-writer “with Bill Gates of ‘Chief: My Life in the LAPD’ ” (see accompanying). It might not have been a bad idea to have that Gates as chief, when you think about it. LAPD recruitment no doubt would have improved dramatically. Imagine--stock options for the cop on the beat!

PRESSURE POINTS: Dan Fink of L.A. found evidence of the diverse world of health care in Southern California while Rosie Rosenlof spotted a shop that seemingly limits its practice to women. Actually, it’s supposed to say “herb.” (See accompanying).

TRAFFIC ADVISORY: Heeeere’s Johnny!

The freeway?

Mark Wilson, a local disc jockey, wants the 405 Freeway to be re-christened the Johnny Carson Freeway. We’ll pause here until Ed McMahon is finished applauding.

Wilson, a jock at Y-107 radio, not only wants to honor the retired host of “The Tonight Show,” but also correct what he feels is a geographically incorrect designation. The San Diego Freeway doesn’t reach San Diego but only gets as far south as Irvine before becoming the 5. So, if anything, the 405 should be called the Irvine Freeway.

I applaud Wilson’s noble effort, but I don’t associate the 405 with Johnny. Now if he were talking about the 134 or the 5, both of which pass through Beautiful Downtown Burbank, that would be different.

Wilson has been unable to reach Carson. I doubt that Johnny would want to be named for a stretch of pavement that is cursed each day by commuters. Carnac the Magnificent could tell you that.

CHANGING SIGNALS? At the urging of City Councilman Nate Holden, his colleagues recently passed an ordinance requiring cable companies to remove sneakers that are tied together and left dangling from overhead lines. Holden says such a display signals a location where drugs can be bought. (When I was growing up, it signaled a sign of contempt for old and smelly shoes, but that’s another story.)

It’s too soon to analyze the effect of the ordinance. But I did notice this on 4th Street, near Towne Avenue: a pair of sweatpants hanging from an overhead line.

PARDON HIS FRENCH: A bit of name confusion is explored in one of the trial transcripts excerpted in Charles Sevilla’s “Great Moments in Courtroom History,” a column in the L.A.-based magazine of California Attorneys for Criminal Justice.

A Cambodian immigrant was asked in court why he and his brother had different last names.

“Actually,” the witness said in uncertain English, “we have the same last name but somehow when we came to the United States, something [went] wrong with the immigration. The whole family got the same last name, but somehow they ---- up, I don’t know.”

To which the judge replied: “That’s a good word when you discuss government, actually.”

miscelLAny:

I was paralyzed in traffic on the Santa Monica Freeway when I glanced up at an overpass and saw a parked truck with a huge sign urging: “Donate Your Car.” I wondered if anyone besides myself was tempted to get out of his car, shout, “Here it is! Take it now!” and run screaming into the night.

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Steve Harvey can be reached by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com and by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053.