LAUGH LINES

Keeping Score: “[Dick Cheney’s] doctors admitted that he has high cholesterol levels. That is a good ticket. One guy has a cholesterol level of 250, the other guy [George W. Bush] has an SAT score of 250.” (Jay Leno)

Quality Time: “Chelsea Clinton announced that she is postponing her senior year at Stanford University until January so that she can stay with her father during his last few months in the White House. Isn’t that nice? . . . In return, the president offered to stay with Chelsea during her last few months in her sorority.” (Conan O’Brien)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top Signs You’re at a Bad Beach

9. Guy with metal detector keeps finding 55-gallon drums of medical waste.

8. It’s exactly like the first half hour of “Saving Private Ryan.”

6. David Hasselhoff gives you mouth-to-mouth--and you’re not drowning.

5. Sign for restrooms points to ocean.

3. Your kids give up on seashells and start collecting used Band-Aids.

2. Beach is full of guys like that naked guy on “Survivor.”

1. It’s bring-your-own-sand.

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, 90012.