This May Not Be Down Bush’s or Gore’s Alley

The American Bowling Congress has come up with a simple plan to decide the presidential election--a bowl-off between Al Gore and George W. Bush.

The ABC has invited both candidates to its test facility in Greenville, a suburb of Milwaukee, where each candidate would bowl one scratch game--no handicap allowed--with the highest scorer declared president of the United States.

Computer scoring will leave no doubt about the winner. Pins left standing that are scuffed, dented or dimpled will not be counted. OK, gentlemen, just stay out of the gutter.

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Trivia time: Who was the last Ivy League player to win the Heisman Trophy?

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Picking on Purdue: When it was announced at a Purdue basketball game that Chris Weinke won the Heisman Trophy and Boilermaker quarterback Drew Brees finished third, the crowd booed.

The announcement was followed by the news that the women’s basketball team lost to Notre Dame, prompting one fan to sarcastically shout out, “Do you have any more good news for us?”

Even trade? Woody Paige in the Denver Post: “Colorado to New York: DROP DEAD! Start spreading the news. Mike Hampton and Denny Neagle have forsaken Old York, Old York for New Denver, New Denver.

“New Yorkers should be ecstatic. The Rockies got Hampton and Neagle. New York got famed free agent Hillary Rodham Clinton.”

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Old-school philosophy: Don Pierson in the Chicago Tribune: “Cold facts: The ‘frozen tundra’ image moved from Green Bay to Detroit as both teams practiced for Sunday’s game at Lambeau Field.

“Lion Coach Gary Moeller, the last disciple of Woody Hayes and Bo Schembechler, wanted to practice outdoors, repeating Hayes’ mantra: ‘If you’re going to fight in the North Atlantic, you’ve got to train in the North Atlantic.’ ”

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Embarrassing: Houston Rocket Walt Williams, on the experience of being dunked on by two players who aren’t exactly household names in the NBA:

“I’ve been dunked on by [Vitaly] Potapenko and now [Zan] Tabak. The good part is that they don’t make posters of those guys.”

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He had to say it: Tom FitzGerald in the San Francisco Chronicle: “The NBA keeps fining Dallas Maverick owner Mark Cuban for blasting the officiating. If this keeps up, we may have a Cuban whistle crisis on our hands.”

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Happy birthday: Doc Blanchard, Army’s famous Mr. Inside, turns 76 today.

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Trivia time: Halfback Dick Kazmaier of Princeton in 1951.

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And finally: Skip Bayless in the Chicago Tribune, on the Cubs losing free agents Hampton to Colorado and Mark Grace to Arizona and typical fan reaction:

“Those fans have joined the nationwide Cult of the Lovable Losers. They celebrate the mythical Cubs curse. . . . For them an ideal day at Wrigley is seeing the Cubs lose and Sammy Sosa hit a home run.”