Super Bowl Appears to Be a No-Win Proposition

No one can win the Super Bowl this season.

The Minnesota Vikings can’t win it because their defense yielded 40 points to St. Louis on Sunday, or 37 points more than Carolina yielded to St. Louis the week before; because in their last two games against the Rams, including last season’s playoff meeting, the Vikings have given up an average of 44.5 points; because they haven’t defeated a probable playoff team since Oct. 9, and because in big games to this point in his precocious two-year career, Daunte Culpepper is still no Fran Tarkenton.

The St. Louis Rams can’t win it because they won’t have home-field advantage throughout the playoffs and probably will be required to win a cold-weather game somewhere, possibly on the muddy mire of Giants Stadium, possibly on the frozen asphalt of Veterans Stadium, possibly in hurricane conditions in Tampa; because there’s still a chance they won’t even qualify for the playoffs, facing road games against Tampa Bay and New Orleans; because Dick Vermeil, who knew his way around a Super Bowl, is gone and his replacement, Mike Martz, just went 0-3 against Washington, New Orleans and Carolina, and because John Shaw had only one soul to sell.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers can’t win it because the monsoon that followed them to Miami and enabled them to out-slosh the Dolphins without scoring an offensive touchdown, 16-13, was a whim of nature and not available for hourly rentals; because at this rate, little Warrick Dunn--28 more head-on collisions Sunday--will be 3-feet-10 by the second week of January, and because Tampa Bay may need more than 20 points to defeat the Vikings or the Rams in the playoffs and Martin Gramatica, as good as he is, never has kicked eight field goals in a game.

The New York Giants can’t win it because if Kerry Collins wins a Super Bowl, someone has some explaining to do; because if Coach Jim Fassel had tried his ridiculous gag-rule with the 1968 Jets, Joe Namath never would have predicted victory over the Colts and the underdog Jets, thoroughly uninspired, would have been buried, 48-3, in Super Bowl III, and because you just know that between now and Jan. 28, someone on the Giants is bound to pull an Isaiah Rider and talk to a reporter about the Giants’ next opponent.

The Tennessee Titans can’t win it because their offense needed a game against the Cincinnati Bengals to break a seven-quarter touchdown-less streak and the Bengals are still making good on their vow of playoff abstinence, first taken during the soul-searching minutes immediately after their crushing defeat by San Francisco in the 1989 Super Bowl.

The Miami Dolphins can’t win it because thunder clapped over Pro Player Stadium on Sunday, signaling the reappearance of the real Jay Fiedler, who left loads of clues as to his true identity, four of them, in the arms of Tampa Bay defenders.

The New York Jets can’t win it because Vinny Testaverde is just about out of body parts to injure; because Testaverde’s replacements, Ray Lucas and Chad Pennington, were a combined eight for 19 with two interceptions as they engineered a 31-7 loss to Oakland, and because, with the Giants also talking Super Bowl, two Subway Series in four months is the constitutional definition of a country in crisis.

The Oakland Raiders can’t win it because even though they routed the Jets on Sunday, chances are they are going to face Denver in the playoffs and the Raiders are 1-11 against Denver since 1994 and 0-7 since 1997.

The Denver Broncos can’t win it because Gus Frerotte is the brother of Mitch Frerotte, who was an offensive guard with the 1990-1992 Buffalo Bills, who went on to lose the Super Bowl in each of those seasons, and although Bronco fans don’t want to hear it, the evidence is tangible and unassailable: The Frerotte family is cursed.

The Baltimore Ravens can’t win it because, I mean, let’s get real, Trent Dilfer?

The Jacksonville Jaguars can’t win it because Fred Taylor set the club’s single-season rushing record by reaching 1,237 yards during Sunday’s 44-10 victory over Arizona, giving the Jaguars a four-game winning streak, which could reach six in two weeks, which means the Jaguars will miss the playoffs by only one game.

The Philadelphia Eagles can’t win it, even though they reached the NFL title game in 1960 and 1980 and this is the end of their latest 20-year-plan, because Donovan McNabb throwing for 390 yards and four touchdowns against the Browns is one thing and doing it against the Buccaneers, Dolphins, Ravens or Titans is quite another.

The New Orleans Saints can’t win it because the Saints never have won a playoff game and as soon as they do, the earth will spin crazily off its axis and collide with the moon, thereby vaporizing the city of Tampa and putting a crimp on Super Bowl week festivities.

The Washington Redskins can’t win it because there is a God and he just gave Daniel Snyder detention.

The Green Bay Packers can’t win it because if they’re expecting Ahman Green to carry this team through the playoffs, you know he’s going to drop it; because Mike Holmgren is in Seattle and Brett Favre is in Green Bay and that’s the big problem for everyone involved; because there is no frozen tundra inside the Metrodome and the TransWorld Dome, and because if the Packers somehow did qualify for the Super Bowl, there’s a very good chance Antonio Freeman wouldn’t show until the Pro Bowl.

The Detroit Lions can’t win it because they are 1-9 in the playoffs since 1957 and scored that one victory in the 1991 divisional playoffs against Dallas when they still had Barry Sanders and the home-field advantage, which they relinquished the following week in the NFC championship game, which they lost to the Redskins, 41-10.

The Indianapolis Colts can’t win it because Jim Mora has never won a playoff game in 12 previous seasons as an NFL head coach, a distressing condition known to all Indianapolis football fans as the Colts’ Super Bowl Moratorium.

The Buffalo Bills can’t win it, but you already knew that, and now, so do the good people of Buffalo, freed from another round of angst-ridden holidays by Wade Phillips and Rob Johnson and Week 15 elimination.

No one can win the Super Bowl this season.