Opposites Attract Attention

For those money players congregating in Tampa on Monday night for this rematch of the 1999 NFC championship game, let’s put this matchup in A-Rod-ready terms:

Good-hit, no-field versus good-field, no-pitch.

The Rams can score, but they can’t defend. The Buccaneers can defend, but they can’t pass and they need defenders to score. In two previous NFC title meetings, in 1979 and 1999, the Rams won both games by scores of 9-0 and 11-6--and, on Tampa Bay’s home turf, a similar plot line is anything but a reach.

If the Rams find a way into the Buccaneer end zone, it will be impressive as well as expensive. Last Sunday against the Vikings, the Rams brought back their banned touchdown celebration, the “Bob ‘N Weave,” at the risk of league fines quarterback Kurt Warner promised to pay.

“I wanted to spark this team into playing with emotion and having fun again,” Warner explained.

For as long as it will last. Which could be opening kickoff, Monday night.

The line: St. Louis by 1.

IS THERE A FIELD GOAL IN THE HOUSE?

Indianapolis (8-6) at Miami (10-4), Sunday, 1:15 p.m., Channel 2: Dolphin defensive tackle Daryl Gardener predicts a shutout of Peyton Manning, Edgerrin James and the Colts. “I think we can shut these boys out,” he said. “That’s my personal feeling. . . . We’re hungry. This Sunday is going to be special for us.” The Colts sacked Buffalo’s Rob Johnson nine times Monday and the Dolphins might be without Jay Fielder, who has a torn rotator cuff. Shutout? No brag, just a very practical game plan. The line: Miami by 3.

FLATTERY WILL GET YOU NOWHERE, NOT EVEN A WILD CARD

Green Bay (7-7) at Minnesota (11-3), Sunday, 10 a.m., Channel 11: So, is Green Bay safety LeRoy Butler guilty of treason, too many shots to the head, or the shameless buttering-up of a favored opponent? “We feel [the Vikings] will be in the Super Bowl,” Butler told reporters this week. “No one is going to stop them.” Robert Smith as league MVP? Butler: “Slam dunk.” Daunte Culpepper as Pro Bowl starter? Butler: “Absolutely.” The Vikings’ somewhat suspect defense? Butler: “They’ll beat you, 100-99, if they have to.” The Packers? Butler: “We’re hungry, we’re starving.” When they’re not doubled-over laughing. The line: Minnesota by 8.

FIRST, HE TIMES HIMSELF

IN THE 40

Detroit (8-6) at New York Jets (9-5), Sunday, 10 a.m.: Hobbling down the stretch, the Lions are so devastated by injuries that their director of pro scouting, Sheldon White, quipped, “I’m working myself out next.” Sheldon, if you are good for more than three yards a carry, you’re starting in place of James Stewart. The line: Jets by 6 1/2.

HE . . . COULD . . . GO . . .

ALL . . . THE . . . WAY!

Washington (7-7) at Pittsburgh (7-7), Saturday, 9:30 a.m., Channel 11: While scribbling down names on his “Who Else To Fire Before Christmas” list, Redskin owner Daniel Snyder must have paused last Sunday when he heard himself being lambasted, in a rare critical aside, by ESPN’s Chris “Friend of Football” Berman: “Maybe this failure by the Washington Redskins will have have a very smart guy and businessman, Daniel Snyder, rethinking a little bit about the way you deal with human beings and the way you succeed in football.” Or, Snyder just continued scribbling: “BUY ESPN, FIRE BERMAN GUY.” The line: Washington by 1.

MISERY LOVES COMPANY WHILE BREAKING DOWN GAME FILMS

Oakland (11-3) at Seattle (5-9), Saturday, 1 p.m., Channel 2: Raider Coach Jon Gruden has found a kindred spirit in his quarterback, Rich Gannon. “Gannon’s never happy about anything,” Gruden said with great admiration. “I’ve never met anybody like Gannon. He’s the most miserable guy I’ve ever been around sometimes. I love that about him. He’s never satisfied. He will never be satisfied.” Privately, Gruden and Gannon have agreed to celebrate the Raiders’ pending Super Bowl victory in Tampa by walking back to Oakland. The line: Oakland by 6.

ON THE MENU INSTEAD: FALCON UNDER GLASS

Atlanta (3-11) at New Orleans (9-5), Sunday, 10 a.m.: Dome sweet dome? Not for the Saints, who are 2-4 this season at the Louisiana Superdome. Needing to win their last two games, both of them at home, Saint Coach Jim Haslett joked this week that he would put his players on a plane and have it circle New Orleans a few times to simulate the feel of a road game. But that idea was vetoed when the offensive linemen found out it was a no-meal flight. The line: New Orleans by 10.

AT LEAST FOR TWO MORE WEEKS, I THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THAT

Denver (10-4) at Kansas City (6-8), Sunday, 10 a.m.: Like most NFL coaches, Kansas City’s Gunther Cunningham keeps a point-after-touchdown table with him during games--a card that advises when to try a two-point conversion. Debating the merits of a failed two-point attempt last week against Carolina, Cunningham told a Kansas City talk-show host that he went against the card in that instance. “Yeah, we did,” Cunningham said heatedly. “Would you like to take my place and do it? Let’s go on to the next question. I can do whatever I want because I’m the head football coach. I think you understand that.” The line: Denver by 3.

NOW STARTING AT ZZZZZ-BACK

New York Giants (10-4) at Dallas (5-9), Sunday, 5:30 p.m., ESPN: In something of a departure for the Giants, Coach Jim Fassel suspended rookie wide receiver Ron Dixon for one game for oversleeping and failing to show on time for a team meeting. Fassel learned of Dixon’s indiscretion by dispatching an assistant to the youngster’s apartment, where Dixon was still asleep. This is unusual for the Giants, who normally fall asleep while Fassel is talking to them. The line: Giants by 6 1/2.

DAWG POUND 2000 CAN SHOW YOU A ‘DUST BOWL’

Baltimore (10-4) at Arizona (3-11), Sunday, 1:15 p.m.: Baltimore owner Art Modell told the New York Times he believes the 2000 Raven defense is the best he has ever seen. “I admire them,” he said. “I marvel over them. We went through the worst period in my entire football career, what I call the Dust Bowl, when we went through five games without scoring an offensive touchdown. But that defense never pointed a finger at the offense. Everyone here stayed together and personified the togetherness that it takes to do something special.” Unlike, for example, Modell and the city of Cleveland. The line: Baltimore by 15.

THAT WILL MAKE HIM AN EX-XFL QB

Tennessee (11-3) at Cleveland (3-12), Sunday, 10 a.m.: With four quarterbacks on injured reserve and down to using wide receivers behind center last Sunday, the Browns swallowed their pride and dug even deeper Wednesday, raiding the XFL. Jeff Brohm, former Charger and 49er and most recently with the XFL’s Orlando Rage, was signed by the Browns as a backup quarterback for one game before being cast back into Vince McMahon’s twisted little world. By the time he returns to the Rage, Brohm will be able to tell his fellow XFLers, “Now I’ve seen everything.” The line: Tennessee by 16.

BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE

Chicago (4-10) at San Francisco (5-9), Sunday, 1 p.m.: Jerry Rice, Oakland Raider? That’s a rumor going around the Bay Area as Rice prepares to play his last home game with the 49ers, having agreed with the team to part ways after this season. San Francisco Coach Steve Mariucci said he “almost ran into a wall” when he first heard the rumor on the radio while driving to work. As for Rice, he said he’d “love to go out there and set the stadium on fire and give the fans exactly what they deserve.” Sounds as though he just passed the Raiders’ pre-physical. The line: San Francisco by 6.

THAT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE TOO BUSY DIGGING THEIR TUNNEL TO FREEDOM

Jacksonville (7-7) at Cincinnati (3-11), Sunday, 10 a.m.: The Bengals, averaging 11.5 points a game, are on track to score the fewest points in the 33-year history of the franchise, which is saying something about a franchise that has previously employed David Klingler, Jack Thompson and Virgil Carter at quarterback. “Now that’s hard,” said veteran tackle John Jackson, in his first season as a Bengal. “I’m surprised some of these guys aren’t insane. Some of these guys have been here their whole career. . . . I wonder why half the team’s not going to a psychologist.” The line: Jacksonville by 10 1/2.

‘ACME DUMPSTERS’ GOT OUTBID AT THE WIRE

New England (4-10) at Buffalo (7-7), Sunday, 10 a.m.: Why, industry analysts are asking, would Internet-company developer CMGI agree to spend $114 million over 15 years for the naming rights to the Patriots’ new stadium? CMGI suffered $664 million in losses during the last quarter, saw its stock price drop more than 90% in 2000 and has been forced to lay off employees. Why, pro football analysts agree, it’s the perfect marriage. The line: Buffalo by 4 1/2.

CALLER TO KFMB: ‘DO YOU HAVE PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN?’

San Diego (1-13) at Carolina (6-8), Sunday, 10 a.m.: Elsewhere on the perfect marriage front, the Chargers’ flagship television station, KFMB Channel 8, took TV journalism to a new low by playing stooge to a caller identifying himself as Charger player personnel director Billy Devaney and running his “scoop” on the air--that Devaney was about to fire Coach Mike Riley and replace him with Joe Bugel. Complete and utter hoax. Unlike the Chargers’ season, which, sorry to say, San Diego, is grounded in harsh reality. The line: Carolina by 8 1/2.