Brister vs. Manning Is Painful

* Only if Daunte Culpepper plays, turning this game into a matchup of two of the game’s outstanding young quarterbacks, Culpepper and the Colts’ Peyton Manning. But if a sprained ankle keeps Culpepper out of the Vikings’ lineup, he will be replaced by Bubby Brister, who is old and not outstanding in any way, shape or form.

Minnesota Coach Dennis Green said he would decide on a starting quarterback today. Expect Culpepper to find a way to play, because if the Vikings lose, they will also lose their first-round bye if New Orleans defeats St. Louis.

Seeking divine assistance for his beloved Vikings, Minnesota State Sen. Dean Johnson, also a Lutheran minister, will be conducting Sunday services shortly after kickoff, which is why Johnson wrote to Commissioner Paul Tagliabue to request no more Viking games on Christmas Eve.

“I would like to keep the holiest of holidays in mind for next year’s schedule,” wrote Johnson, who added, “On a personal note, I don’t know how I am supposed to explain to my congregation the wires coming out of my ears and under my robe.” The line: no line.

OK, IT WOULD BE LIKE SHAQ ASKING KOBE FOR THE BALL

San Francisco (6-9) at Denver (10-5), Saturday, 1:15 p.m., Channel 11: The 49ers can clinch the AFC West title for their Bay Area neighbors with a victory in Denver, prompting San Francisco Coach Steve Mariucci to quip, “This is the first time ever the Raiders have been rooting for us.” Weird times. Sending the 49ers out to do the Raiders a favor is a little like the Lakers asking the Clippers to go up north and help them out with a victory in Portland. Except . . . yes, of course . . . that would never happen in this or any other parallel universe. Bad example, sorry. The line: Denver by 7.

CAN’T RUN, PASS OR CATCH, BUT, BOY, CAN THEY SCHEME

Jacksonville (7-8) at New York Giants (11-4), Saturday, 9:30 a.m., Channel 2: You have seen the rosters, so you have to ask: Shouldn’t those records be reversed? The pundits are stumped, so we turn to Jacksonville running back Fred Taylor for insight. “On tape, you can get a hint of why they’re good,” Taylor says of the Giants. “They have a great scheme. Even if you don’t have the talent, your scheme can make some players better than they are.” What that suggests about the Jaguars, Coach Tom Coughlin probably doesn’t want to know. The line: Giants by 3 1/2.

FLUTIE, ON THE OTHER HAND, FEELS GREAT

Buffalo (7-8) at Seattle (6-9), Saturday, 5:30 p.m., ESPN: Because of injuries, quarterback Rob Johnson will not start Buffalo’s season finale, leaving him with these final 2000 totals: three concussions, four starts missed because of separated shoulder, one hip injury, one injured knee, several sore ribs, ongoing tendinitis in the throwing shoulder and one playoff campaign shot to hell. Coach Wade Phillips, standing by his man to the bitter end: “I think in some instances, he’s such a good athlete that he feels like he can get away from [defenders] and he jeopardizes himself.” To say nothing of the other Bills. The line: Seattle by 3.

SKID MARKS ON ARMS ANOTHER GIVEAWAY

St. Louis (9-6) at New Orleans (10-5), Sunday, 10 a.m., Channel 11: From 6-0 to all but out of the playoffs, the Rams finally received some good news when a man caught impersonating St. Louis linebacker London Fletcher pleaded guilty to using a false Social Security number and other fake ID. Missouri resident Walter Dean had quite a scam going, racking up $30,000 in hospital charges at three separate facilities, and never would have been discovered had that nurse not asked, “How many tackles have you missed this season, Mr. Fletcher?” When Dean guessed two, the nurse burst out laughing and had no choice but to call the authorities. The line: St. Louis by 3 1/2.

HOLD THAT THOUGHT, COACH. MY SPORTS TICKER SAYS THE BEARS JUST TOOK THE LEAD

Tampa Bay (10-5) at Green Bay (8-7), Sunday, 10 a.m.: To make the playoffs, the Packers are hoping for an improbable trifecta: 1. They must beat Tampa Bay; 2. Detroit must lose to Chicago; 3. St. Louis must lose to New Orleans. To keep his players focused on the task at hand, Green Bay Coach Mike Sherman says he might instruct the Lambeau Field scoreboard operator to show only the score of the Green Bay-Tampa Bay game. Sherman, however, did not reveal his strategy for the Green Bay Packers’ pagers. The line: Green Bay by 2 1/2.

I GUESS YOU HAD TO BE THERE

New York Jets (9-6) at Baltimore (11-4), Sunday, 10 a.m., Channel 2: Reporters who witnessed it swear Jet Coach Al Groh was being sarcastic when he assessed his team’s game against the Ravens this way: “We don’t have much hope. We don’t have a chance. This is the toughest defense in history, nobody has been scoring on them and we have not been scoring on anyone.” Let’s review these five assertions by the coach: True, true, accurate, you bet, correct. You call that sarcasm, I call that a coach firmly grounded in reality. The line: Baltimore by 5 1/2.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, RAYMONT

Miami (10-5) at New England (5-10), Sunday, 10 a.m.: This week, running back Raymont Harris was cut by the Patriots for the second time this season. If there’s a more depressing statistic in the NFL in 2000, I do not want to know about it. The line: Miami by 4.

WHAT IS THIS, ‘THE ASSOCIATION?’

Chicago (4-11) at Detroit (9-6), Sunday, 10 a.m.: Inspired by NBA player revolts in Seattle and Denver, the Bears, according to published reports, threatened to mutiny this Sunday if Coach Dick Jauron started Cade McNown again at quarterback. Not surprisingly, Jauron announced Shane Matthews as his first-string quarterback for the Lion game, prompting team president Ted Phillips to announce that Jauron would be back as coach next season. Phillips: “He’s done a good job of keeping this team together.” The line: Detroit by 9 1/2.

BUS SCHEDULE MUCH MORE RELIABLE THERE

Pittsburgh (8-7) at San Diego (1-14), Sunday, 1 p.m.: Having rushed for more than 1,000 yards in five consecutive seasons, Jerome Bettis was voted team MVP by his Steeler teammates. “Pittsburgh is the best place in the league to be a running back,” Bettis said after receiving the award. “It’s a hard-working town and they appreciate hard-working running backs there.” They would, since the quarterbacks there after Terry Bradshaw have been named Cliff Stoudt, Mark Malone, David Woodley, Bubby Brister, Todd Blackledge, Neil O’Donnell, Mike Tomczak, Kordell Stewart and Kent Graham. The line: Pittsburgh by 3.

THERE’S NO CRYING IN RAIDERDOM

Carolina (7-8) at Oakland (11-4), Sunday, 1:15 p.m., Channel 11: The Bay Area is awash with rumors of Jerry Rice driving across the bridge to Raiderdom next season, which amuses Oakland wide receiver Andre Rison. “I don’t know if we have enough balls,” Rison told reporters this week. “If he comes here cryin’, it ain’t going to work. I get my two, three balls a game and that’s OK. But if he comes here crying, it just won’t work.” The line: Oakland by 8 1/2.

BENGALS ARE PENALIZED FOR THAT EVERY SUNDAY

Cincinnati (4-11) at Philadelphia (10-5), Sunday, 10 a.m.: Working on tips provided by sources throughout the league, the NFL has launched an investigation into the playing surface at Paul Brown Stadium, where the Bengals lose their home games. Opposing players and coaches have complained all season of huge divots and poor footing, and the Bengals face a fine if their field is found not to be up to league standards. Luckily for the Bengals, the NFL has no similar fines for teams considered not up to league standards. The line: Philadelphia by 10 1/2.

OR ABOUT DOUG JOHNSON, FOR THAT MATTER

Kansas City (7-8) at Atlanta (3-12), Sunday, 10 a.m.: The Falcons have lost six consecutive games, share the worst record in the NFC with Arizona and are in such dire shape, Coach Dan Reeves is summoning prodigal quarterback Chris Chandler from the deep recesses of his doghouse to start in place of Doug Johnson against the Chiefs. “I think he gives us the best chance to win the game,” Reeves explained, and, really, what more needs to be said about the Falcons at this point? The line: Kansas City by 4.

‘SKINS’ SCALPERS SKINNED, SCALPED

Arizona (3-12) at Washington (7-8), Sunday, 10 a.m.: With the Redskins’ season deemed a civic disaster around the nation’s capital, tickets for Sunday’s finale at FedEx Field are not only available--a rarity in usually rabid Redskin territory--but also are being sold by area brokers at less than face value, according to the Washington Times. From an early-season peak of $850 a ticket, some brokers are charging $15 apiece and offering two-for-one deals for the Cardinal game. Norv Turner, be glad you got out of town when you did. The line: Washington by 7.

ODDS ARE, JERRY JONES WILL PUT IT ON YOU TOO

Dallas (5-10) at Tennessee (12-3), Monday, 6 p.m., Channel 7: Cowboy Coach Dave Campo sums up his first season in the Fort Worth Star-Telegram: “I’m disappointed and frustrated, and I put it on myself. I think I’ll be a better head coach next year because I understand the total demands of the job.” And he very well might. Wherever that may be. The line: Tennessee by 13 1/2.