Dubious Distinctions: No Recounts Necessary

It’s great how current events have turned so many young people on to politics, resulting in a new crop of topical pop songs.

Years from now, 2000 is certain to be remembered not for bubble-gum fluff or nasty rap, but for the sly, pointed commentary of today’s stars found in these hits:

* “The Battle of Palm Beach” by Rage Against the Voting Machine.

* “Oops! . . . I Voted for Buchanan” by Britney Spears’ grandmother.

* “No Chads Attached” by MS’NsyncBC.

* The rap discourse on how the election results were “Real Slim and Shady” by EminDubyaEm.

* And, of course, the ubiquitous “Who Let the Lawyers Out?”

It’s enough to make a veteran rock activist, say David Crosby, feel like the proud papa of a new generation. Of course, Crosby, it turns out, may well be the papa of much of the generation. Early in the year we found out just how active an activist he had been when it was revealed that the then-58-year-old was, in fact, the bio-dad of the two kids born to Julie Cypher, the partner of Melissa Etheridge.

And this was just a few years after Crosby and his wife (who’d recommended him to Cypher and Etheridge) had a baby--not to mention Crosby’s discovery a few years ago that he had a grown son he’d never known about who turned out to be a musician himself. They now have a band together. (Unfortunately, Etheridge and Cypher split up later in the year.)

So is Crosby Pop Eye’s person of 2000? Yes, indeed. It would be fitting to award him a symbolic piece of the Woodstock ’99 Peace Wall--instituted as our annual Dubious Distinctions honor last year when Fred Durst was singled out for his leadership role in the riot-like destruction of the very same wall. After all, Crosby was at the original Woodstock, and for all we know fathered some of the very people who tore the ’99 wall apart.

LIKE A NORMAN ROCKWELL PAINTING: Frankly, though, Crosby wasn’t even the leading pop figure in the field of family values. Few stories at this hearth-and-home time of year have been more heartwarming than the reconciliation of Marshall and Kim Mathers.

You may know him as Eminem, the rapper who fantasized in gruesome detail in his song “Kim” about killing his wife. You may remember such touching displays as his allegedly brandishing a gun at a young man in a bar. You may recall that Kim had been kissing the young man in the bar. You may recall that this incident landed Marshall in jail and then in court, but not long enough to keep him from doing a concert tour. You may recall that the night he was performing in his hometown of Detroit, Kim was at home attempting to kill herself.

They started divorce proceedings, but just this month decided to give it another try. According to her attorney, Kim “sees very positive things about Marshall, and I have to respect that and take her at her word.” There, doesn’t that reassure you?

One thing that should be remembered--these two procreated and have a 4-year-old daughter.

NOT JERRY MATHERS: Now if only Eminem could reconcile with his mother (who sued him for $10 million last year after he claimed that she takes more drugs than he does, and recently recited a plea to him on a rap song of her own) and his grandmother (who in August called his lyrics “vile and disgusting” and lamented that “in 12 years he’s gone from telling me ‘Grandma, I love you’ to ‘Go to hell’ ”).

ROYALTIES GOOD!: On the activism front, true leadership came from Metallica, which stood up to Napster and its easy-to-use music-sharing network. Here was a case of rich rock stars putting themselves on the line in an unpopular battle to make it a better world for, well, rich rock stars.

GOOD FOR THE GOOSE: On the other hand, how did founder Shawn Fanning and his Napster team like it when their trademarks were “shared” by the Offspring, which started selling T-shirts and caps with the Napster logo? Napster sued, though ultimately decided to work with the Offspring on the merch venture, with proceeds going to charity.

IS THAT COVERED IN THE HEALTH PLAN?: Sharon Osbourne (wife of Ozzy) resigned as the manager of the Smashing Pumpkins in January after just four months, saying that she quit “due to medical reasons--Billy Corgan was making me sick.”

WINNING IS THE BEST REVENGE: Clive Davis didn’t have to say anything publicly to sting the BMG bosses who forced him out as head of Arista Records, which he’d founded 25 years ago. All he had to do was stand onstage at the Grammy Awards to accept the album of the year honors for his role as a producer of Santana’s “Supernatural,” the biggest success story of the year. And now he’s got a new label to run, J Records, funded by, yep, BMG.

THINGS TO DO WHEN NAPSTER WAS DOWN: What good was having a computer when access to free music was cut off? Well, there were few Web sites more enticing than that of the Society for Future Husbands of Britney Spears (https://www.sfhbs.com/home/). No, Prince William apparently isn’t a charter member. Nor is David Crosby.

If the society is looking for a place for a convention, how about the Britney Spears Museum? It’s being assembled by two residents of her hometown, Kentwood, La., as an annex to the Kentwood Museum. It will honor her entire career, from her early teen years as a Mouseketeer all the way to the present, her late teen years.

ZIGGY LOAN OFFICER: Another pop Web venture announced in 2000 was Bowiebanc.com, an online bank fronted by David Bowie, the man who a few years ago pioneered the trend of turning future song earnings into bonds. Sounds like the perfect place for Metallica to put its royalties.

REAL POLITICS: The use of Billy Joel’s “Captain Jack”--which includes references to drug use and masturbation--as the introduction for Hillary Clinton’s speech launching her successful Senate campaign inspired Seattle punk band the Dwarves to offer one of its songs for another race. The group submitted the ditty “River City Rapist” to George W. Bush’s presidential run. A key line: “I’m the River City Rapist, I’m gonna rape the U.S.A.” The Bush campaign apparently declined.

E STREET RUFFLE: Meanwhile, Bruce Springsteen, who back in 1984 had to ask that “Born in the U.S.A.”--misinterpreted by many as a jingoistic song--not be used in campaign stops by Ronald Reagan, lost fans among the New York Police Department after performing a new song condemning the police killing of unarmed Guinean immigrant Amadou Diallo. After Springsteen debuted “American Skin (41 Shots)” in concert, Bob Lucente, president of the New York chapter of the Fraternal Order of Police Officers, called for city police officers not to do security work at upcoming Springsteen concerts at Madison Square Garden, stating that the rocker had “turned into some type of [expletive] dirtbag.”

EMERITUS: Ol’ Dirty Bastard, already a Dubious Distinctions lifetime achievement honoree, added to his legacy in November. On the lam from a court-ordered stay in a Pasadena drug rehab center, ODB eluded capture even as he made a surprise appearance onstage with his group, the Wu-Tang Clan, in New York. But days later he was apprehended in a drive-thru lane at a Philadelphia McDonald’s. Maybe he should have stuck to the vow he made to the New York audience, to live off “birdseeds or whatever” while on the run.