Robbers Find This ‘Bank’ Isn’t One

The year’s final “stupid criminal tricks” award goes to a trio described in Charles Sevilla’s “Great Moments in Courtroom History” column in CACJ Forum magazine.

Sevilla excerpted a federal indictment charging that the defendants “entered a Coldwell Banker office in Hacienda Heights, Calif., and attempted to commit a bank robbery. Upon learning that Coldwell Banker is not a bank, the three defendants left the premises and drove away looking for a bank to rob.”

I bet they didn’t do their homework in school, either.

I OBJECT! Sevilla also published a trial excerpt in which an “elderly” man was mentioned by a witness.

Prosecutor: Elderly is how old by your standards?

Witness: He was probably 40s, I think.

Judge: Ewww. That is cold. That is cold.

Defense counsel: That is cold.

YOU THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS? The police log of the Los Alamitos News-Enterprise recounted how a Cypress resident “complained that a street sweeper kept splattering just-washed cars when it went by.”

Complained? That was the only way my college roommate ever got his car washed.

BARKING UP THE RIGHT TREE: Perusing the same police log, Jack Glaser of Seal Beach had no sympathy for the resident in his town who “complained of a neighbor’s barking dog.”

After all, Glaser said, the complainer should have expected as much when he decided to live there--on Dogwood Avenue.

SOMEONE GIVE THAT COMPANY A CALCULATOR: Wow, it seems like things are changing moment to moment in the dot.com world--including the subscription computations of magazines that cover the Internet (see accompanying).

IS THERE NO SHAME ANYMORE? Linda Getty of Highland Park saw an ad for a bed that promised a less than romantic encounter (see accompanying).

POLITICIANS CAN’T HELP IT: Writer Art Vinsel attended a recent San Pedro appearance by Mayor Richard Riordan in which His Honor was asked about a waterfront project.

“We’re going full speech ahead with that . . . uh, full speed ahead,” Riordan said.

JUST A COINCIDENCE, I’M SURE: In his Planet Proctor cybercolumn, Phil Proctor of Beverly Hills notes that in the movie “Key Largo” (1948), bad guy Edward G. Robinson gives Humphrey Bogart this regional civics lesson:

“Let me tell you about Florida politicians. I make them. I make them outta whole cloth just like a tailor makes a suit. I get their name in the newspaper, I get them some publicity and get them on the ballot. Then after the election we count the votes. And if they don’t turn out right, we recount them and recount them again until they do.”

A FLOATING YARD? Henk Friezer of Eagle Rock came upon a house with a nautical theme (see photo). Which reminds me. As 2000 sails into the sunset, I want to say thanks to readers for contributing the dueling signs, scary menu items, dumb criminal tricks and unreal real estate listings over the last year. Let’s do it again in 2001.

miscelLAny:

Actress/model Shanna Moakler, who is suing her ex-husband, boxer Oscar De La Hoya, for $62.5 million, appeared in the movie “Love Stinks.”

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A., CA 90012 and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.